on the road to.... the here and now

Gratitude and what I mean by sucker punch

2011-11-23T20:43:00.004-07:00

This post kind of speaks to what has happened. My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer, maybe in his liver too. This news has devastated me. It brought me to my knees. I don't know what it is about life that just keeps kicking, kicking, kicking and saying stop taking me for granted... but it does. I can't imagine what my dad is feeling. I try to, but the thinking hurts. So I just pray and meditate a lot. I just don't want to feel, but I am forced to.

So I stopped in at the tri shop today. I bought a pink (?) swimsuit, pink (?) swimcap and some crazy coloured goggles. Friday morning I *WILL* be in the pool. I also got in touch with the race director of Great White North via the tri shop and requested to hold an entry for me. They agreed to. I know it's more than a little ridiculous to go back from couch to 1/2 IM but I want this. So what, I really couldn't care what my time is. This is just a chance to do some moderate (not crazy) training and fit it into life and SEE just SEE if I can do it.

Anyway, I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. I am a bit sad, but I have to take care of myself... I know this.

I found this picture on facebook... the guy speaking into the microphone was a client of mine. He tried, and succeeded for quite a while but heartache took him back to old coping ways. He taught me a lot. This picture makes me remember good times, it also makes me think how fragile we are even if on the surface we seem to have our shit together.

I'm proud of this person in the picture, even though he screwed up. I guess that's my point. Forgiveness. I guess I need to forgive myself in order to move on. I need to let go of whatever fears I have of moving forward back into health and just enjoy movement again. Without it - how will I cope?

How have you been

2011-11-22T19:56:00.002-07:00

Well the here and now is always right there. Smacking you in the face. Hello! Stay with me! In the present moment!

I have experienced a lot of change over the last, oh, 3 years. Really since doing Ironman in many ways I haven't been the same. Some of it very good, some of it not so great, some of it surprising me.

I haven't been exercising. That's for certain. And it's not making me happy. I know I need to take care of myself but once you find yourself in that rut (particularly if you are prone to rut finding) it's quite hard to get out of.

I started work for Edmonton Drug Court, worked for almost two years there. Burned myself out. Found out a lot of my strengths and weaknesses. Found a bit of my courage. Found a few really amazing people. Found some really UNamazing people (funny those were service providers and not clients?). Figured out who I want to be in life, sorted out some values and moved forward.

I am proud of myself for getting out of a place that felt oppressive for me. It was the best decision I could have taken. At first, when I was hired, I felt unworthy of working there. I felt unskilled and I brought that into the "room" with me wherever I went. Lack of confidence pours out and teaches others how to treat you.

When I step back and re-evaluate I was skilled enough to do the work. I was good at the work and I need to acknowledge that.

So back to life - not work - I am trying to find my way back to fitness. Anyone with me? I am trying to find the guts I had to attempt an ironman. I am trying to find it somewhere... where did it go?

Life has handed my father a pretty big sucker punch. So what can I learn? How can I make use of now?

I'm pretty sure it's not by napping and eating chocolate.

changes

2011-04-08T08:39:00.002-06:00

I am at the office, of course, Friday morning. Things to do. Some urine screens, then go to the jail, then maybe the food bank. I was watching American Idol last night and one of the performers sang "Man in the Mirror". Oh boy I used to love that song as a kid. I had the Michael Jackson Bad tape and played that song over and over.

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

Well he's starting with the man in the mirror. Wow eh? And how do you do that when your life gets a bit consumed by others suffering? I've taken too much of it on. Instead of exercise when I feel sad I sleep. Glorious sleep. Or I eat. Mmmm food. But those two things aren't making the situation better. I'm fairly certain if I don't take care of myself I can't take care of others. This is the lesson I know to be true and follows me wherever I go.

So how do I pull off the blankets so heavy with sadness and be my own best friend for today? Almost a year ago I blogged about a woman I dropped off at a Recovery House deep in the heart of Edmonton's poverty, crime, and addiction filled streets:

Onward

Well, she did not come home to her house that night. She never returned to face her addiction or work through our program.

I saw her yesterday on Jasper Avenue. Strung out, skinny, hollow eyes, "flailing" and searching like a crow for carrion... and yeah, I cried, but what good does that do?

So I've been saying ONWARD for a while now.

ONWARD again.

Gratitude

2011-03-28T11:44:00.003-06:00

Ever have a moment where you step outside and are so thankful there is air to fill up your lungs?

I turned 34 yesterday and it wasn't so bad. I am planning to start writing again here, thanks to some gentle encouragement.

I feel good... but where's the money tree

2010-09-29T21:58:00.004-06:00

Well money should be an energy thing right? flowing? hmm it's flowing out... I only hope the universe might flow it back!

haha...

Kids are expensive! I just returned from a daycare board meeting, they need more $$. We registered the kids in swim gym ($$) and want to put them into scouts ($$), school fees were abominable this year and I have a parking ticket and speeding ticket to pay ASAP (unrelated to kids, true).

This is just to say good damn thing I signed up for GWN last year and wasn't able to race it. All I had to do was rollover my entry, pay a small admin fee and yup, I'm registered for 2011!

Wait, that means hard work.

I better get on that.

But no, the fall has been most beautiful. The crisp air holds every cliche about fall and touches my heart with a promise of change. Such a blessing.

Also, I ran the 5km Rotary Run with Pam our Peer Support Worker. It was my slowest 5km time ever but well worth it. I also saw LAUREL who has come so far in her running and is doing her second marathon in NY this year! Wow... she also seems to inspire those around her to go further and faster than they ever believed. Such an inspiration to me. (I owe her an email and a run - let this be a reminder!).

Too many exclamations, but I feel alright, and that's a good thing :)

loss

2010-07-06T07:27:00.002-06:00

On the weekend I went to Southern Alberta. New Brigden to be exact. There is a post office open 3 days a week and a water tower left over from when the steam engines came through. We were there for a family reunion but on arrival received bad news. John's Uncle Keith had passed away unexpectedly (on his farm nearby) and a cloud seemed to follow us around showering us with tears.

It truly shed light on how fragile our lives are and how quickly things can change. On our way home we stopped at Keith's farm and saw all his family, his children clutching tight the grandchildren who were so precious to him.

I felt envious of the depth of connection John's family has. I'm sure it didn't help much but I kept reminding him how fortunate he was to have such a tight knit to parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The roots of his family are in that strange, plain farmland. Shrinking under a sky so big.

We dropped off the boys with my mother and returned to our big empty house. I miss them now so much that I work full-time and this time away from them is hard for me. You would think I'd be happy for the break but my break comes all day when I pour my heart into work. That's about all I need.

To continue on the theme of loss our neighbours on the corner of the street, a small but friendly family with a dog, a cat, a teenager, a young daughter, an occasional drunk father and a couple of broken down vehicles pulled up in a UHaul and moved out in the rain.

Just like that. Gone.

up and down

2010-06-19T09:40:00.002-06:00

I had the opportunity to run the Wild Roses Women's Half Marathon with my blogging friend (now real friend) Sonia: http://soniatherunner.blogspot.com/ last weekend. It was quite the event! I had a bad cold and wasn't sure if I could run it or not. Sonia kept her positive attitude and outlook and said she would run it at my pace no matter what...

I really hate to slow people down, but the first few km's we did quite well. Then the hills. Oh my the hills! Seriously people if you're looking for some amazing running trails you have to go for a run from the Solicitor General Staff College in Edmonton and find yourself a challenge! We managed to pass some women on a wicked downhill and they never caught back up to us. We were forced to walk so many of the hills it started to get ridiculous! Sonia never wavered though. She got me through the race and we crossed the finish line together so happy to be done :)

I am going to make her and I a medal since at the finish line the Running Room decided that women want chocolate and a red rose (hork) when they're done. Oy.

My body has felt trashed since the attempted ultra. I don't think it's necessarily the attempted ultra but potentially the amount of work stress I've been experiencing. I'm starting to gain weight quite rapidly and this is another sure sign I'm not dealing with the stress very well. That and the need to sleep.

My kids are growing up fast. Another summer is here and I grieve a bit how fast time is moving. They will be grown up before I know it. I feel like I'm trying to move ahead in my career and education at the same time hold it all together and be a strong mother present in their lives. I am constantly forced to make decisions about my priorities. I am trying to win the laundry battle. I am trying to find the courage to clean my house, weed the garden, plan the meals.

I'm not feeling particularly positive today. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

Mud Rain Wind then Snow

2010-05-30T15:29:00.005-06:00

Wow!
I was pretty apprehensive about running 50km's. Especially since the first time I attempted to run one loop out at Blackfoot I :

a) got lost
b) got chewed up by the hills on the course
c) hated how cold and snowy it was

I trained with Marcella who is a graduate of Drug Court. She always said inspiring things like "we can call on this day when we run our 50k and it will be so much easier without the snow and wind!". We just kept pushing through endless weekend runs and did our best to get our weekly mileage up. We did a lot of runs at Chickakoo which is a beautiful park full of hills and forested trails. We stayed positive. I never believed for a second that I would DNS or DNF.

I checked the weather two days out and didn't check it again.

I went out and bought such a cozy long sleeve tech shirt for race day and thought I might overheat but wasn't concerned. I'd rather be too hot than too cold. I got my gels, hydration pack and hmmm'd and hawwww'd about trail shoes or road shoes. I felt PREPARED and ready mentally to take on the day.

Apparently the forecast was RAIN, SNOW, WIND and almost freezing temps.

The first loop started out fantastic. Beautiful, inspiring, and I could imagine it taking me a while because of the amount of rain, mud, and sludge but I couldn't imagine the outcome. Then I hit the central line which is a road and mostly clay. I stayed to the right of the road on a grassy trail but was forced repeatedly to get back on the road and slide and slip. My feet were now so wet I couldn't seem to keep my shoes attached so I mostly slid. This section makes up maybe 1km/2km max of the 25km loop but the amount of mud and the exposure to the rain started getting to me. I was cold now. My hips were screaming.

The rain did not let up.

I started walking large portions of the trail.

I saw Marcella and she looked great as she flew by me. We promised to wait for each other at the end. We promised to go out on the second loop and get this done.

I got to Islet (the start) and stood inside the warm cook shack. I met Marcella's Mother who breathed hot air onto my back. I saw Travis who had given up after finishing the first loop despite it only taking him 2.5 hours (a good time on a day like that) he was too cold to continue also.

All the ladies from the back of the pack (approximately 6 of them) arrived as well and were not going out for a second loop.

I walked up to the timing table and said "I will not be going out again" They took my name and wrote down on the timing sheet DNF. I looked at it and was furious. The race director, Gary, heard me getting down on myself and said "why aren't you going out again"

"I'm so cold"

"Don't you have some more clothes?"

"No" I wrung out my tech shirt and water poured out.

"Wait here"

He returned with his jacket and put it over me.

"Now you can go"

"Yes, now I can go" I gave him a hug "Thank you"

Along the second loop I ran into a guy named Don who was doing the 100km race. I knew him from somewhere. Maybe the Callingwood group? I said are you Don? And we proceeded to run together. He was suffering as much, probably more, than me. Off he went after a 20 minute chat about how we were going to get this done. I was running quite a bit. I was happy and warm in the jacket finally. Then Central came back....

and I knew if I could get through it I would be in the trees again and 10kms from the finish...

and I saw the road stretched out before me and there was no one around....

and I started

and the freezing rain turned to snow

and the wind whipped through my jacket

and I started to cry and shiver

and I knew I would give up right then and there.

A very nice man appeared at the end of this central road and said "Hi! how are you"

"Cold" I answered through tears.

"Are you withdrawing?"

"Yes" now I was bawling. I had the race director's jacket. I only had 10 K to go but I was so cold my fingers and feet started to cramp. My body was a mess of shivers. My head stopped making sense.

In the warmth of his truck and snacking on his dried fruit the tears started to dry up. He told me stories about the race, about Death Race, about the hard work that goes behind the day. We shared some laughs. I shivered away.

I got to the shack at Islet and ate my smoky. Sat by the fire. Sat in a friend's truck, took off my shoes and warmed up under a wool blanket. I felt like I'd been at war. I felt like I'd met my match and lost.

I love ultra racing!! I love trails and misery and trying to battle through your mind and your body!

I will be back. I have been bitten with a bug :) Wow!

(image of blackfoot yesterday taken from search on flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sangudo/)

onward

2010-05-01T08:08:00.004-06:00

So my decision, recently taken, was to rollover my Great White North entry. I felt so much pressure to hit my goal of under 6 hours that I was paralyzed. I was so overwhelmed with the new job that I was (am) needing a lot of downtime that didn't involve leaving my home.

I was sleep deprived, stressed, and unmotivated.

I wish I could say that the cloud lifted once I made the decision but it hasn't. In some ways I'm upset with myself for not being able to "do it all" but in other ways I could see myself headed for another crash. I'm trying to learn from the last time I felt this burnout and do things differently.

I am still focused on running and the 50k in less than a month. I would like to do a sprint tri later in the season just for fun.

At work I have learned that people who truly want to achieve sobriety have such a big hill to climb. There is limited transitional housing. There is limited safe and drug free low income housing. Yesterday, Friday, I found out a woman from our program, having just completed residential treatment, would not have a place to sleep for the night (she was approved to move into her housing the next day). She was fine with going to the Women's Shelter downtown. She's lived there and in jail for most of her life. But we weren't ok with it. We called the Y (still not the best for staying drug free) and there were no beds. We called everywhere possible and begged and pleaded. No room. We considered renting a hotel room for her for the night. I had a thought, last chance, to call a men's transitional home we work closely with and beg. Just one night. We got her in.

I drove her there and as we drew nearer she recognized women from the street she knew. Prostitutes having moved to a different area now that the 118th avenue 'revitalization' pushed them out. Once we arrived we met the house manager and I finally got to tour the home that we send so many of our men to. It was quite beautiful, a little haven in the middle of the worse poverty and drug addict filled streets in Edmonton. I gave her my card and asked her to call if she needed anything. I hope she does ok. I'm losing hope.

I came home and have felt a little numb. I feel like this is the point at which I could be swallowed by other people's pain or come up with a plan to keep my head clear in this job.

I want to get my toes painted bright red.

I probably should go out and hammer out a hard run.

I took a break

2010-04-25T19:15:00.002-06:00

I had a nice beer
I hung out at home
I went to a fun "community safety" event
I unplugged facebook for 12 hours
I made plans with a friend
I drank too much coffee
I spilled my guts
I made some plans (or non-plans)

I feel so much better

:)

anythingright

2010-04-24T08:13:00.002-06:00

I just woke up from 14 hours of sleep.

I'm not sick, physically. I'm not depressed, I'm certain. I'm just worn out. There's so much I want to do but I can't fit it in. Again, the laundry piles up and the dishes are just finished drying before I pull them out to dirty.

What do you do when life seems to be going faster than you can keep up with?

winning

2010-04-19T09:25:00.005-06:00

So yesterday I raced (uhhh ran) the St. Albert 10 miler. I woke up not feeling like going. Ok, but I promised a Drug Court grad that I would give him a ride there. And I had paid his entry for it. So I felt pretty responsible to him to get him there.

So off I went to Tim Hortons to get my pre-race staple of a double double.. and then to T's apartment to pick him up. He was a bit late getting out of the apartment and I almost sighed a bit of relief that I might be able to just go home and sleep. After all, I'm not going to be racing this. After all, I'm just going to be back of the pack again.

Oh but T came out the door all excited for his first 10 mile race. And I grabbed ahold of some of that enthusiasm and gave it my best to smile and be happy.

(have I mentioned how crabby and out of sorts I've been lately? a theme that has followed me from day to day since February)

The race was on and I had my garmin primed for 2 hours. I couldn't remember my time from last year but considering how my right hip felt ever since the "getting lost at blackfoot" 32 + km run last week I wasn't aiming to go fast. The garmin started chirping at about 2 miles. Data was full. I turned it off, f-it.

St. Albert 10 miler is truly a beautiful race. Despite having a horrid experience the year it snowed and coming in DFL, I love this race. I really do. It was hot and the sun was baking my arms, the sweat was running, my heart was pumping and my feet were moving. I've noticed that I can do A) shuffle my feet or B) think about engaging my glutes and propelling forward from my feet. When I do b I go faster but cannot last as long but I feel GREAT when I do A I go slower and feel like shit. So I tried to do B as much as possible. I was passing more than being passed. I ran with a woman for a little bit who was doing her first 10 miler. I tried to convince her she should do the Women's Half Marathon in June. She wasn't feeling so convinced. I will be looking for her at that event though!

I finished 2 minutes slower than last year. Didn't shock me. I felt ok but my hip bothered me on all the hills at the end.

T finished in 1:15 - He's so new to running and just doing so great! I was super proud of him and he was too.

Afterwards we stuck around for the door prizes. For some odd reason I won the bike from Cranky's Bike Shop. It's a basic aluminum Gary Fisher Road Bike which is EXACTLY the kind of bike I wanted for riding around with friends and not feeling pretentious or worrying about being down in the aerobars. Weird.

T kept saying: That's crazy! I can't believe it!

Well neither could I.

I felt a sheer rush of adrenaline at first and after sitting down with a brand new bike I felt guilt. Much guilt. I almost donated it to T right there. Here I have a fancy tri bike at home what the heck am I doing with this road bike now! So many people don't even have one bike....that dissipated a bit. Not a lot. When I got home though the look on John's face when I wheeled it in the front door was too worth it. I suddenly was excited :)

Pretty neat day.

on turning 33

2010-04-05T18:14:00.003-06:00

33
Hey that's not such a bad number. I spent the weekend in Jasper with work and brought along my oldest son. I ran on the highway there. I had cupcakes courtesy of my coworkers and spent the day shopping in junky souvenir stores. I sort of enjoy birthdays now, they seem special. Like each chance you have to celebrate you are still alive should be taken! I came home to a clean house and more cake... very nice!

Yesterday while driving home from a visit with my inlaws in the hot hot sun, singing as loud as I could to the radio (sorry John), I started to ponder if I should give up triathlons this year and just keep running. Maybe even use the extra time to take guitar and voice lessons? Somehow I feel like I should be branching out more. As though there's even more I can do that I haven't discovered yet.

I also had time to think of how important it is to put your mind to something and stick with it. Not to become scared or to listen to naysayers. This lesson has presented itself to me repeatedly and obviously it is my lesson to keep learning. I can actually do what I put my mind to. I can gravitate towards a full life and have it. I can be whatever I want to be: my only limits are self-imposed.

Happy training everyone :)

Leaving things undone

2010-03-22T11:16:00.002-06:00

So I posted some sappy song lyrics because I was, quite frankly, feeling sappy. A bit down. A bit sorry for the state of the world. A bit sorry for myself in trying to figure out how I fit into it, and how life doesn't always seem to run smoothly or without conflict.

Not to say I've experienced more conflict than usual. Just that I'm feeling more and more conflicted. Ha. Silly.

I am well into my third month at the new job and things are starting to come together and be seen in a new light. There have been 4 graduation ceremonies I have witnessed - an astounding amount for such a short period of time - and I have already lost a connection to one of the graduates I adored. This is not necessarily a good thing and I am left to speculate.

I'm fairly certain there will be many ups and downs and maintaining myself during these times will be the most important. I can understand skepticism on a much deeper level now. That's not something I'm really celebrating.

On another level I am enoying my workouts more and more. I feel stronger at each one. This weekend I did a Saturday spin with Sarah and we ran for 20 minutes afterwards. The sun was shining and we could feel its warmth. We followed it up with a run on Sunday at Chickakoo. I love working out with Sarah because there is just a fun ease around her. I can't wait to see how she does this year at her events... I have a feeling she's going to blow her expectations away :)

I waffle about what I want for the season. I have jammed it full again by taking on a 50km run. I am aiming for 'to complete' and 'to enjoy' which really is the way every event should be undertaken. I am a bit haunted by trying to go under 6 hours at Great White North and I need to work on letting go of numbers... which most certainly do not define me, or even you, but they do motivate. I may also put up a photo a la Simon Whitfield for motivation. I have absolutely found my joy for running again this year and it has taken me by surprise. I want to run. I want to run every day. It feels so f'in good!!

Anyway, I guess this is just to say I feel like an untied pair of shoelaces lately. Trip or stop to tie them. I haven't done either.

2010-03-19T11:45:00.001-06:00

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you'll have some things to say
It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine
Work it out yeah we'll survive
You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
'Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let's desert this day of work
Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight
Don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

in a sorta bad mood

2010-03-16T09:02:00.002-06:00

Ever feel like you just don't fit in anywhere? You try for a bit but it falls flat. Maybe some grand expectations play into this feeling. Maybe something deeper. Or maybe it's just hormones jerking you around.

Anyway, on a positive note I love trail running. I can't wait to try my hand at a little ultra-marathon this spring at Blackfoot. I am looking forward to running the cross-country series. I am looking forward to my trip to the Okanagan to ride with Sarah.

I went to see Hawksley Workman with my friend Esther on Sunday night. We also got to eat at Padmanadi before we saw the show. Oh!!! the food!!!! Hawksley was also incredible. I was so tired because of DST but I made it through the whole show. It was good to see Esther again. We're friends who reconnect once a year or so.

This is short. Like I said - I'm in a sorta bad mood!

light and darkness

2010-02-27T14:32:00.002-07:00

The days are getting longer. Have you noticed? Yesterday I ran with the women's group that has formed at work. We run on Fridays. Just us. Recently more have opened up to me and expressed their interest in starting to run. We will go whatever pace and distance is comfortable. I will help them to create a running plan that suits their goals and needs. I will encourage them, and quite frankly be outrun by them very soon. I am happy about this.

We headed out and the sun was shining. T-shirt weather. The sun was so hot on my face and I haven't felt it's warmth since the Dominican. Ahh. Under our feet the ice and snow were melting; giving way to slosh, mud, puddles of icy water. Our socks were wet. Our lungs were burning a bit and by the end our legs were aching.

My job continues to inspire me. I am moved to tears daily. I hope the rawness of the experience doesn't form a callous over my heart but I somehow doubt it will. I am holding what is dear to me a bit closer. Examining my own self as I am often floored at the humility of the people who sit in my office.

I went to see Dr. Gabor Mate www.drgabormate.com speak on Thursday night. He is the doctor who cares for addicts in Vancouver's downtown east side. If you ever have a chance to hear this man speak go see him. This small, soft spoken man carried humour, lightness and juxtaposed sadness in his words. He is a brilliant writer, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, captures his clients with honesty and a certain beauty. He does not seek to change them, only to help them when they need him. Writing prescriptions for methadone, caring for their oozing sores on the inside and outside while they continue to use poison.

After the event I got to see a friend who was still awake and nearby. We talked until the coffee place shut down and she helped me reach a couple very insightful moments.

How blessed I am to have such a beautiful life.

On the training front I am doing alright. I run as much as I can from work and continue with the long runs on the weekend. I have to find a way to fit in swimming and will likely have to talk to my boss about that. I am looking forward to this tri season with a renewed perspective of why I do the sport. There is more balance in my life working full time and I take my workouts when I can and decide on races to fit around the family more than ever... and you know what is kinda cool? I am ok with that.

2010-01-30T15:25:00.002-07:00

finishing

2010-01-09T10:49:00.004-07:00

I'm almost done Wayson Choy's, All That Matters. It's brought out a couple themes that I've been rolling over in my mind:

When things are too good to be true

The grandmother is spiritual or superstitious. You take your pick. She's always worried about the gods and how they look upon her fortune, happiness or good things. Never wanting to anger the gods if something good happens she quickly addresses the bad that could happen or dismisses any fortune as unlucky.

I'm thinking about this and how I relate to it. It's not particularly positive and something I would like to change about myself/my thoughts/my patterns. When good things come my way I either: dismiss, briefly engage and then disengage, grab on so tight that I lose myself (the last being a rare thing but I've also come to know that grabbing tight and losing myself in something is also a form of disengaging).

I won't pretend I don't see how hard it is for me to form attachments to positive things in my life. How hard it is for me to stay connected to people or even things (lost my keys, where's the file? forgetting to email or call). Small little scattered bits of myself are everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

Staying focused and present in the moment is a new thing to me. The past year training for ironman and rediscovering the positive within myself have been a lesson. When I race I can be present. When I train I can be present. However other areas of my life are lacking this. Especially connection.

So with this blessing of a new job (and it truly is - I am so lucky to be in this job - I am so lucky to be working with the people I am and surrounded by all this good) how do I not screw it up? How do I not become consumed by it?

I'm not afraid of angering gods, like the Grandmother. I am not superstitious. But I am aware of the pattern and the balance, with the good comes the bad. With the Yin comes the Yang. We'll see how it plays out.

Playing it out... ahh exactly the second thing that's on my mind...

Finishing what I started

I will write that letter, finish my taxes, pick up the phone, file a report, write an essay, clean up the clutter, organize the office, get the pictures developed, send you the information, make a budget, send it to the dry-cleaners, donate, volunteer and do it all...

When?

At my last job just finishing up a report or the database I was working on became extremely difficult. I don't know if it was from the years of feeling worn down in an office that became a bit hostile and unpredictable, or from not experiencing joy in any way from what I was doing (in fact feeling like a bit of a farce when we couldn't even get a client in the door) but I have become deeply rooted in not finishing projects.

So I am 20 pages from the end of the book and feeling like I know where it is going, and although it has been a spectacular book, I am putting it down and having troubles finishing.

And I am sitting here surrounded by a lot of work that could be accomplished but never quite is.

MARCUS AURELIUS:
The universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it.

I have to work on finishing some things. It's good to close the book to open a new one. No?

Home

2010-01-04T19:35:00.002-07:00

The trip

Was amazing. I have never felt, seen, swam in, lounged near blue and warm water. That in and of itself was enough to make the trip a dream. But more than that was the opportunity to see my children enjoy it. They have no idea the value of the trip or what it took for their parents to get them there and keep them comfortable and happy while they were and that's ok. It MAY be the start of some travel dreams for our family. Not necessarily the all inclusive type again - but something - someday.

John and I were able to reconnect and it was good timing. The new stress of the changes in our day to day will be hard and it will be better to go through it as a team.

We escaped some of the christmas madness but were quickly thrown into the resort/tipping/buying madness. I think we did alright though.

Diet/Exercise

Well it's still on the back burner. After today I have a new appreciation for full time work and training. It's going to take some extra planning on my part. Some early mornings and lunchtime runs too.

What concerns me is the current lack of balance in my new job apparent from day 1. I plan to stay true to myself and my family. I hope to lead by example even though I am the rookie. I am sure to be tested so I need to be fiercely strong in my convictions. It's a test and I accept. It looks like I will not be able to get time off in August for Ironman so I am curbing my expectations for qualifying. In fact I am re-thinking my year in triathlon and will aim only to finish Great White North and a few other running events here and there.

Work

Wow. What can I say. I am overwhelmed at present.

Thoughts

I am scared that by going to work full-time I am letting my children down in some way. I am trying to adapt to this and accept it. It's what I wanted all along but I continue to be scared.

That's all for now :)

not much

2009-12-21T08:26:00.005-07:00

Someone noted I hadn't update in a while - how true! Why? I don't know. I haven't been feeling particularly well, particularly myself. A little off.

In two days I'm headed on a family vacation to the Dominican. In two days I'll be done with my current job. A job that let me stay home quite a bit with the kids and have a large amount of 'life' flexibility. I learned a lot here. I wish we'd had more clients over the years. I wish I could have been the one brilliant enough to figure out why we were suffering for clients.

My new job starts on January 4th. I'm quite nervous about my ability to fit in, to be good at it, and to do the best work possible for the clients. At the same time I'm trying to figure out how I will balance this with being a mother, a wife, a student and kick some butt in triathlon (haha - right). I can see the possibilities and hope for the best, what else can I do?

I have plans for my first real 'office' to put up some of my running things and a picture of crossing the finish line at ironman and of course pictures of my boys. Also, I plan to bring in some rocks and crystals for grounding. It's all quite exciting when I think of this new start. I have been craving the opportunity to work more directly with people.

I attended the treatment court last week which included a graduation ceremony. It was very powerful and moving. I left the court house completely drained but somehow smiling.

Meanwhile, it has been cold and snowy and yet I want to run so badly. I can't seem to find the time with my current schedule so I am thinking forward to January when I am encouraged to run on my lunch breaks. Maybe John will join me :)

I hope the holiday season is bringing you some time with your family and loved ones. I hope it is helping you to reflect on what is important to you and what you wish for in 2010. I can see a million different ocean currents one could grab on to and see where it takes you... all you have to do is reach out your hand and relax.

Peace and Love is yours.

December

2009-12-06T15:06:00.002-07:00

The snow has fallen in one gigantic heap. It's quite pretty, even being stuck (right John?) because we got caught without our winter tires on.

I've written a resignation letter to my work and I am handing it over tomorrow morning. I'm a bit scared but really ready to take on this new challenge. Yes, that's right the dream job I applied for in my last entry was achieved! I'm not sure why I was hired - I felt like I failed the interview! I did my best to be myself and speak from the heart so they somehow must have sensed how seriously I took it. I had done a lot of research, talked to anyone I knew who knew something about the program. Talked to anyone I knew who knew/had experience in career changing resumes and interviews.

Ahh well - between the job application, interview, family sickness etc, I took 3 weeks off P90X. It was ok though because I found the motivation from my friend Sarah's help to keep going and pick up where I left off. So now I have 7 weeks left of P90X and things are ticking along. I really need to get some heavier weights at this point - or I feel I'm going to plateau. The other option is to take the workouts to the gym with me (which would be doable also).

So my new phase in life is Addictions Case Worker. The organization also has a running program and I will be able to bring my love of running to the team. We're looking at putting a team together for the Death Race. Neat huh? They'll need to do a lot of convincing to get me to run Blackfoot or the Frozen Ass 50 though. !! :)

Happy December!

flu who knew

2009-11-02T11:08:00.003-07:00

I have the flu. I'm hot and I'm cold, yes then I'm no, in then I'm out... oh wait.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Anyway. I will be trying to do my push ups tonight but if it doesn't work then I'm guessing P90x has to take a week off.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

I'm registered at Athabasca University.
I've applied for my dream job.
I'm spinning at Element on Saturdays - you should join - it's fun!

Ever forward. Ever now. Managing the details as the heart commands.

The blue jacket

2009-10-22T17:55:00.004-06:00

I bought this when I worked at Alberta Law Line. I enjoyed my job. My life was pretty happy. Kids were in a fantastic dayhome. John and I got along. I'd progressed through my running to a couple half marathons. I was about to do a Half Ironman and it was 2006.

I have no idea what I weighed then. Just that I could go into any store and buy things off the shelf to wear. My weight has fluctuated but I have not paid much attention to numbers. Just how things fit and usually the number on the tag. I was certainly into size 10 or 12 by Grade 9 Grad. When I look back at those pictures I was not fat. I was not overweight. I was pretty normal actually.

What's normal. Why do I say normal?

Because at that age I wouldn't have considered myself normal. I was convinced I was fat. I went on slim fast. I swam and sometimes ran to be thinner but I mostly deprived and then binged. Is that normal teenage behaviour? I don't know.

There have been moments of complete happiness in my body. Sadly they usually have come from external sources. Thus to balance it out the external sources were there influencing the hate towards my body.

I recognize that I continue to evaluate myself through the lense of others, through the fit of clothes, through the standards of today but I am moving away from it.. You may think - what's all this crazy P90X business then? The diet? The exercise? The interesting thing is the diet has somewhat regulated my thoughts with respect to food. Being fairly regimented and eating frequently keeps me satisfied and fills a need for control. But I have allowed myself guilty pleasures. In moderation. Things like a burger out with the family, a latte, a taste of dark chocolate. I remind myself to enjoy the 'guilty' pleasures and to not guilt myself over them. Every moment is made up of choices and being defined by one choice won't help me to make the next. I must remind you I have a dream, and a goal to do my best at the half ironman distance and that is worth more than a number on a scale or guilt over a latte.

What on earth should this have to do with a blue jacket. Well, shortly after I bought it (one lunchtime shopping trip downtown) my life turned upside down. Or shall I say I turned my life upside down. Most of it I cannot write about or talk about but I practically disappeared off the radar. I sunk into deep holes of despair and frankly - put on a lot of weight. Occasionally I would resurface to care for myself (or so I thought). At one point I was trying to detox and went on raw food for months. At other points I would not eat except coffee all day and beer at night. There was no control, only desperation, there was no clarity but a lot of confusion.

And soon enough the clothes weren't fitting. One of the first to bite the dust was this blue jacket. My arms gain weight first. They wouldn't fit in the sleeves. I loved the jacket so I put it away. Regardless of all the purges I've done to my closet this one article of clothing has remained from the "before the madness" days.

And here I am wearing it. Having decided to try it on today for some strange reason and it went over my shoulders and arms with ease, with room. I felt a mix of joy and sadness and fear.

This is a journey and I've been in this jacket before. This time though, I can choose a better path in life. This time (having gone through the mud) I put my head up and say I am not going to be defined by my past but I will make choices that align with my inner path, that align with my core, that align with the light that is inside me.

And I will.

Week 3 of P90X

2009-10-13T14:16:00.003-06:00

Wow it's week three already!

I'm staring to feel a bit low energy wise with the nutrition plan. Two weeks left of this and then I'll update with some pictures and move on to a more balanced diet and Phase 2 :)

I find I'm already needing some larger weights to feel challenged on the lifting days. I'm searching for some 15/20/25/30 lb weights and I think that will be sufficient for phase two. I'm also *this* close to a chin up on my own. John held my legs last night and said he was very lightly assisting so I have to take his word for it.

As much as I'm loving this change I am really starting to miss my swim, bike, and run. I'm also looking at my goals for next year and like last year putting them out there to the universe to move me towards achieving them.

Great White North is a favourite and I want to beat 6 hours. I want to beat it *well*. I am projecting something like this:

swim 30 min
bike 2:45
run 2:15

I'd like to see the run be even faster than what I've projected. I'm feeling hopeful that this is achievable.

I'm staying with Greg as my coach. When it comes to people who believe in me and push me and search for new knowledge I feel Greg is the coach for me. I'm pretty excited about 2010.

The more positive results I achieve from the diet and weight training the more hopeful and excited I am. I'm starting to feel like a broken record of positivity but in all honesty I am enjoying my health and enjoying my life. I'm feeling very fit this year and the best is still yet to come.

Who you are

2009-10-04T10:39:00.001-06:00

Well my friends some things have come to light recently.

As I completed the first week of P90x and enjoyed the challenge of eating mindfully, with purpose and moving my body in some familiar and unfamiliar ways I've been "thinking" quite a bit.

Last night I bagged up 3 bags of clothes that no longer fit me but that I've hung onto.

I have to tell you the "fat girl" and the "slow, back of the pack 'try-athlete'" are screaming at me to hang on to these definitions. Does this surprise me? Yes, quite a lot.

So I ask you what definitions of yourself do you hang onto?

I'm just a BOPer

I'm so fat

I'm afraid

I don't have the power

I am slow

Are there dreams you have kept hidden and under the cover of the self-imposed definitions of yourself? What are they? Are you allowing your light to shine or is it too scary to become the everything and anything you are?

It's a quote I'm sure you've heard but I'm putting it here for reflection:

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us: We ask ourselves ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It is not in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

My friend Helene

2009-10-01T13:35:00.000-06:00

I met Helene at Ironman Canada this year. Not only is she beautiful, a strong and amazing athlete she is also an incredible artist. She most recently painted a beautiful shot of a triathlete in action:

Check out her website.

P90X started yesterday

2009-09-27T08:22:00.000-06:00

Be brave (this is a BEFORE picture)

Happy Birthday :)

2009-09-21T18:44:00.000-06:00

Yesterday John ran the Edmonton 21 (in 1:59:59!!) and we celebrated his 40th birthday.

I love you John <3

Happy Birthday!!!

In case you were worried

2009-09-16T14:35:00.000-06:00

Ok, Jordan, enough with the flakey stuff right?

My plan (including the shredded part) now includes running a 2 hour half marathon. Probably Calgary Hypo. I think I can do this, man :) and I'm working on my plans... :)

Golden Buddah

2009-09-14T12:24:00.000-06:00

Wat Traimit is thought to date from the 13th century. The Golden Buddha image is about 900 years old and is cast in the Sukhothai style. It is believed to have been brought first to Ayutthaya.

When the Burmese were about to sack the city, it was covered in plaster to hide its value. Two centuries later, still in plaster, it was thought to be worth very little.

But in 1957, when the image was being moved to a new temple in Bangkok, it slipped from a crane and was left in the mud by workmen.

In the morning, a temple monk, who had dreamed that the statue was divinely inspired, went to see the Buddha image. Through a crack in the plaster he saw a glint of yellow, and discovered that the statue was pure gold.

I have so much to tell you about.

Triathlon
I volunteered last week at the Women's Only Triathlon put on by Element. I had a really excellent time. As dorky as it may sound my spirit really soars when I see women of all ages racing and enjoying the sport of triathlon. I had the chance to help unload and set up the site work at the registration desk and body marking and then cheer at the run turnaround. I saw fellow blogger Leana who I just found out won first in her AG! The only sad thing was not seeing everyone finish because I promised the last girl I'd still be there when she hit the turnaround and I held true to the promise. The finish line was very BLINGY with disco balls and decorations. Really fantastic. If you're in Alberta and wanting to try out the sport I highly recommend this race for your first. Lots of fun :)

I have to say I *wanted* so badly to be racing too! That was hard! But it's good to give of your time and I'm glad I did.

Training plan?
My own training has been pretty much non-existant. I keep telling myself that's OK but I miss it more now than ever. I even miss my bike! Slowly I will start re-integrating the swimbikerun stuff but for now I've got a plan for the "off-season":

TO GET SHREDDED

ooooh yeah. This is it. The ironman has been the "crane-drop" on my life. Cracking away at the exterior and showing possibility and the shine inside. I'm feeling a spiritual lift-off start to take place and I feel ready for the mind~body~ spirit connection to guide me on this journey. It will be as much about meditation (and learning it) as it will be about weight lifting and protein.

Just wait and see ;-)

Work

If you have a chance to hear Dr. Jane Simington talk please do. If I were to try and explain how impacted I was by her words of healing and peace I would not do it justice. And this was just WORK training! At one point in the training she discussed the golden buddah story above (ahha!) and at another point she discussed rocks and their significance to us. Here I sit typing this little update with three smooth stones infront of me and I think and laugh about children collecting and bringing us rocks. In native culture stones are referred to as "grandfather" because of their importance. I just might carry a grandfather with me now wherever I go.

Last but not least

I ran again this year the Rotary Run for Life. You can read my race report from last year here: Rotary Run Report 2008

I had originally planned to do the 10k but I decided at the very last minute to switch to the 5k to challenge myself. I've always wanted to run a 5k race in 30 minutes. ALWAYS. The garmin chimed 29 minutes when I hit 5k. I had about 300 meters to go yet and landed across the mats (not chip timed BOO) in 30:xx (and some seconds). This was nearly as incredible as crossing the mats at Ironman Canada. It once again demonstrated that yes: I can do what I set my mind to.

Take care and whatever you do enjoy what you do...

2009-09-01T22:06:00.000-06:00

My race report:

Pre-amble

We arrived at our campground 1 week and 1 day out from the race. But not without troubles first. Climbing a hill we heard a sound under the hood and suddenly a burning smell filling the van. I could see the panic in John's eyes and I tried to deflect it by being positve "Don't worry honey that's the smell of forest fires".... Um. No. Turns out the broken air conditioner compressor was causing some seizing and belt rubbing/burning (the belt that runs the whole she-bang) ahh well we did manage to get that fixed.

We piled out of the van with all our gear like circus clowns and I walked about ten paces to meet Eric and Helene who were setting up their bikes. I was happy to finally meet them - I only knew them from an online running forum.

I had a Saturday ride to do - 4 hours but skipped it to swim with the kids and get set up at camp. I made plans to go out with Eric and Helene the following day.

These guys are not only fast athletes but super fun and relaxed. They reminded me of everything about the sport I love: healthy lifestyle, balance, laughter and positive attitude. We had a nice ride from Ok Falls to Osoyoos and I headed back to get their van while they rode Richter.

The following day all of us campers got up and I saw Eric, Helene and John leave for their runs. The temperature was climbing. Aw man an hour run on the schedule and I got to start it after John got back from his 19km's on the HIGHWAY? I got the run done, ate some camp-cooked chef boyardee and enjoyed the next few days with my kids.

There wasn't much sleep going on at camp. Restless nights with children wetting the bed (something I hadn't imagined how to deal with in the middle of the night?) and by Wednesday I was beat and tired.

Thursday came and my friend Mike said he'd drive me out to registration and we could bike the run course. After a VERY HOT and very slow registration process (1.5 hours in the heat - no fluids on me to take in) I was exhausted. We headed out on the bike having no lunch and just water in our bottles. Big mistake. I was bonking on every hill (and they were the tiny run course hills) and starting to weave by the time we returned. I was also starting to feel the ironman madness of all the fittest looking people in the world running biking and swimming CONSTANTLY around you. I think the below-average-type people must hide in their hotels the week prior ... (YES YOU WARNED ME CHERYL!!)

Anyway I got off the bike and put on my sandals and headed to a payphone to call John to tell him I was ok and would be returning to the campsite soon when I missed the curb and fell hard against the phone booth and scraped and bruised my knee and banged up my shoulder. I just sat there and cried. Mike finally saw me and got me some ice while I cleaned my knee up in the bathroom. I splashed water on my face and told myself to suck it up. Behind my sunglasses I hoped no one could see me crying anymore.

I realised now it was time to take the rest part of my taper seriously.

So Eric, Helene and I visited a winery the next day and sampled two white, two red, a sparkling and an ice wine. We then headed to the beach in Penticton to go for a swim (man this couple is very strong in every discipline of the sport). We had a nice easy swim and then changed for the carbo dinner but not before running into Heather and Jeff! We made plans to meet at dinner and share a table (for trash talk). When the dinner was over but before the athlete briefing Eric said lets go - they would just tell us the drafting rules, etc etc. My friend Mike was astonished we were leaving at this point but we had better things to do haha, like go get some DQ since there was only fruit for dessert at the dinner

We each had a blizzard and laughed and laughed ... at one point I said this doesn't seem like we're doing things right - wine! skipping the athlete briefing! ICE CREAM?! but you know what? it was really the best thing I could do for me

The following day was bike check-in and I was helped by a nice volunteer who showed me the transition set up and explained how things would proceed on race day. I spent a bit too much time on my feet at the expo but soon was off to a low-key restaurant in Summerland for supper (early - 4pm) with my family and some friends who came from Edmonton to cheer.

Back at camp my best friend Cathy asked me if I heard about the new cut-off on the halfway of the run What? she told me you had to make it there by 9PM. I didn't have a clue what time I needed to be anywhere so suddenly I felt panic. I ran over to Eric and said there's a cut off on the run... he gave me a calm response of: No more ironman talk, knowing about the cut-off will not make you faster, go to bed! Awesome. He's right. Mike came over shortly after and said I missed alot at the athlete briefing and I said "no more ironman talk - I am going to bed" and I did. Best sleep ever. Solid. John slept in the mini-tent with the boys to help me have a restful night.

Race Morning

I rode in with Eric and Helene. We stopped at Timmies. We arrived. Energy. Energy. Body marked. Mix nutrition. Load up bike. Pump tires. Check over. Sunscreen on. Now port-o-potties - Oh sh!t there's a long line. Ok, but I have this stomach to deal with all day and I need to go. Line up took 25 minutes. Steve King is saying "10 minutes to race start" go go go get that wetsuit on. Run onto the beach - no time to meet or talk to anyone just find a place to start. Oh my god they are singing O'Canada. Quick get wet - pull up sleeves! Adjust goggles ok ok I'm wearing an extra pair cuz I didn't have time to decide which ones?! Alright GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Swim

Most relaxed swim ever. I swam ontop of the buoys practically and occasionally had to duck an arm or a kick but knew instantly I wasn't in the faster pack of swimmers I wanted to be. The pace felt very easy and I just grabbed feet and moved up a bit. Everytime I sighted I could tell there was a pack about a minute or two up that was where I wanted to be but I was happy to be relaxed as my right arm was quite bruised and sore from my fall and I had readjusted my swim goal to 1:20. I just hoped these guys were a fast enough pack to swim that time. I felt so fit and healthy the whole swim. I was even smiling most of the swim - can you believe someone can smile while swimming? Well I was! haha. I saw the divers and wanted to wave but just watched them (it's nice to be able to swim 9 strokes and not have to breathe) and smiled. I just kept thinking: I'm living my dream - what could be better?

on to the ....

Bike

I looked at my T1 time - holy sheeshers I took my time but I was spraying on sunscreen and then got sunscreened again by the guys outside of the change tent. This was really important to me as burns and heat take their toll on my body since I'm so fair skinned. So I'm glad I took my time here even if it goes against my usual race plans! haha

On to the bike and again just grinning through the crowds. Sipping water for the first 20 kms.... my bike computer wasn't reading though. I didn't want to get off to readjust it so I threw out my plan to watch my average kph and just to enjoy my ride.

I took in shot blocks and a hammer bar to the base of Richter with water and nuun. I was thinking of my bottle of Perpetuem in the heat and was not wanting to stomach it so had to readjust my nutrition plan on the fly. My training has really helped me tune into what my body needs and to help me adjust so I was happy and not concerned with the change. So beyond Richter I started consuming gatorade and plenty of water. Every 10 miles I was needing a refill of both so I just grabbed it from the aid stations and dumping an extra bottle over my arm coolers to stay cool. After Richter (and it's absolute dedication to Kerry - with a woot woot!) I felt awesome. I loved the rollers and the section to the out and back. I would fly down the hill hammering the pedals (that's so NOT like me but for some reason I had a new found confidence on the bike - maybe not seeing my speed helped!) and got up the other side of each hill feeling stronger. The out and back to your special needs is a bit draining but I still had strength in my legs. I got off my bike and grabbed my pretzels, swedish berries mmmm and dumped a bottle of coke into my jetstream MMMMMMMMMM!!!! off we go!

Yellow Lake was brutal. It was so hot and you could taste smoke now. But the crowd support was fantastic. At the very top there was John . He said he could not believe I was looking so good - I was chatting with a fellow I was passing and we were having a good laugh about the stupid hills.

It's all downhill from here they say. Lies. Haha. But I didn't hit the breaks on the downhills!! I just tucked and flew down them! I had been playing some leapfrog with another friend, Carla, at this point which was a HUGE boost to keep me going. She looked like she was having a great race too We chatted a bit on the flat section into town before she got away on me but I got to see her cheeky self (hopefully she gets this reference haha!) in the change tent and she was OFF! on her great marathon run!

The run

Ok the change tent I made a mistake I said I didn't want help but then regreted that decision. Everything was moving in slow motion. A volunteer came up and said do you need anything? I started to sway a bit and croaked 'water?' she handed me a bottle. I got dressed and then got the sunscreen lady who had red hair and would understand to slather me. It was cooking hot out there. I couldn't believe it. But off I went with my water bottle from the volunteer and my honey stingers... ok... hello Jordan - you're gonna do an Ironman! hold it together. There's crowds here. Smile like it's not hot and you want to jump in a cold lake! Ok, yes, this smile is no longer fake but tell you what - it hurts deep in my guts when I take a bite or drink... oooouch! I can't remember if I saw my friends Sara and Colleen before or after my glorious sit down in the port-o-potty where I contemplated all sorts of things for about 5 minutes like why does everyone leave their pills in here and 'wonder what's in that big tinfoil package - maybe it's a sandwich' or 'is it just me or is it hot in here' and then.... FART! ahh. Ok something at least.

At about six miles things deteriorated. I was only able to stomach a bit of water and chicken soup since everything solid or semi-solid gave me pains. I was still livin the dream though and smiled, talked to and encouraged anyone I could.

When you get away from the crowds and along the lonely skaha lake you start to see the breakdown. People walking, grimacing, crying. People at the side of the road laying down, throwing up, getting medical attention. One woman just sitting down and seeming to contemplate the lake but not moving forward. The smoke was bothering my eyes and I could hardly open them. Every aid station I grabbed water and ice, water and ice, water and ice - more ice please. I just wanted to get to special needs. Someone in my cheer team said they would be there, my friends, family (special thanks to my cheer team and immense support system of my DAD and his wife Kathleen who went out and bought posters to make beautiful signs with the boys, John, My MOM and her boyfriend Glen - everyone seemed so excited to see me. I picked it up to get to them. I got there running and they were chanting my name and holding signs. I grabbed John and gave him a big hug and a kiss. I shook my head and laughed and cried. I could turn around now and there was a thing of pringles in my special needs. Ooooh I grabbed them and ran away and ate the whole little tin of chips. Finally, finally I felt good!

I ran to every aid station at this point and downed water, ice and coke. I heard my coach - don't dawdle - ok coach. I'm running this second half. I could feel the momentum pick up in my legs, in my spirit in my heart. I was here, in the moment, I was running and moving ahead of others, I couldn't stop I had to keep going.

I saw my family at Cherry Lane screaming and holding up signs AGAIN!!!: Ironmom! We love you Jordan! Go Mom! My kids were there and cheering. I tried to hold back tears and just kept one foot infront of the other.

To the finish. There's Sara and Colleen again! Colleen runs over and gives me a giant hug! and says go go go! There's my friend Cathy - "Jordan" she says "you can make it under 15 hours!" I say "no way?!" I had no idea what time it was or what time I might make it in. Oooh that cruel out and back section. There was another friend, Amber!, she's cheering so loud. The crowds are spectacular. This is incredible! wahooooooooooooooooooooooooo there's the finish line. I ditch my glowstick, I take my arm warmers off and adjust my bib. The finish line is all mine baby!

There's a catcher on the other side. He's laughing at the smile on my face. We laugh a lot as he takes me over to the food table to offer me some gatorade? ewww! I just want to get to my family on the other side. I tell him that and he wants to make sure I'm ok but he says I look great so go.

I hug and thank my family and friends on the other side. I see Carla and we cheers our champagne bottles and congratulate each other on finishing. After a few sips I need to lay down so I do that and just grin.

Was that fun or what?

John is exhausted. He's managed to see me on the swim/bike and run course and watch the children most of the day. He still manages to get my bike and bags and walk 12 blocks to get the van for me.

We drive to the campsite and John and I stay up until 1pm talking about the day. The next morning we were up at 5 to pack up.

I really wanted to go see the finisher's merchandise but made the call that morning that saying goodbye to my dad and his wife who were staying at the campground as well as my new (and very wonderful) friends Eric and Helene was far more important than some swag. I have to say I was sad to say goodbye to them. But it was great to swap race stories. I loved how Helene said the bike course was easy. This girl makes racing fun and she makes me laugh like a fool

Congrats to everyone racing. You all rock!

For me - I'm going to do it again in 2011 for sure. Right now though I am just enjoying the glow and have my new goal of a sub 6 hour half-iron in 2010.... ready coach?

A million smiles of gratitude to all.

How do I do this

2009-08-18T18:54:00.001-06:00

*I wrote to my friend Cheryl. She sent me an amazing email back. Her advice was practical, warm, smart and kind.

*I had lunch with girlfriends. They made me laugh, reflect and feel like I belonged.

*John and I hung out and went to a movie! wow like a normal couple and it was good to re-connect to him.

*I received a note from a friend who is coming to Penticton "anything I can do - let me know".

*I called Cathy and asked her to help me with the iron-math. If I'm REALLY SLOW can I still sorta make it? Yeah, we think so.

*I think back to all the people in my life who have believed in me that I can do this. Who have helped me either financially, with their time, with their kindness, coaching and with their words.

So how is it that I am so lucky and yet always feel alone? I have these connections to people but I've never let anyone right in. I know that sounds incredibly pithy but it's what I feel in this moment and gosh darn-it if I can't try and figure it out in my blog where can I? I can't really afford a shrink with all this Ironman training !!!

There have been moments in my life where all was still and I felt connected to something fully/completely and those moments have been in the deep breath from the bottom of my lungs. The moments don't come from other people but somewhere from inside and I get a rare glimpse of them when I push beyond physical pain. That connection. To what? To that moment where I'm no longer fighting to keep people at arms length, to that moment I can just be _myself_.

I do believe in myself... and I'm waxing the philosophical just to help sort through all the crazy emotions. I'm tapering. I'm questioning. I'm trying to be silent and relaxed but first I need to burst out into song or tears or laughter and then I'll be ok. I'm on the cusp of it. I'm on the edge of something really exciting... and maybe you've been following the journey. What are we gonna do when it's done?

'I'm gonna do my best swan dive
into shark infested waters
I'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around'

-ani

ALONE!

2009-08-16T20:40:00.000-06:00

Bike in the shop
Kids at the farm

Alone to pack and get my to do list done! how fun!

I want to write....

2009-08-13T15:34:00.000-06:00

but I don't know what to say.

Yup, I got up and put on some makeup and a new shirt and still...

My brain isn't focusing on much lately. I have some important deadlines coming up at work and they are getting done but barely. I am hearing people talk but not very good at the listening part. I am not getting housework done but daydreaming instead.

I know I can do this thing-a-ma-bobber August 30th so I'm no longer having 'can I do it' type anxiety. Just general lack of focus. Is that normal?

TO DO LIST

~~Send boys to the farm for a week~~
~~New Newtons~~
~~Bike tune-up NEW TIRES...TUBES... CO2~~ well it's in the shop
Small patch in the wetsuit
Make sure I have enough food I need to bring to Penticton
Make a list of things to pack
Make sure I have reservation confirmations for campsite
Stay healthy
Don't go crazy

Well it's a smaller list this time?

about the Tour.. (local)

2009-07-29T11:20:00.001-06:00

The Tour d'Alberta was an interesting day. I arrived early (I like to do that) and got my bike ready to roll. The parking lot filled up pretty quickly with ALOT of very pretty bikes. We're talkin Argon, Cervelo, Felt, QR, Pinarello (ooh my I lust after those Pinarellos), carbon, deep dish wheels and aerobars all around!

Eventually it was time to line up at the start. We were given some kind of pre-race talk (I didn't listen - except I heard - have fun this is not a race)... and off we go! Well it appears it WAS a race. Whewie. Maybe because it was 7:30 am. Maybe because everyone who had an Ironman tattoo hadn't proven enough or maybe they all feel as stressed as I do about the upcoming race but nobody was particularly chatty.

My friends Eric T (who used to road race in Quebec) and Ian (who is new-ish to road cycling but fiercely good already) pedalled off ahead of me. I wanted to just ride my own day without drafting so this was good. Packs and packs of cyclists passed me only to pass me again after they stopped at a rest stop. I made three pit stops first one to remove my jacket (oh I should have worn a jersey not a t-back), second to eat real food and refuel the waterbottles and third just to stop for a sec.

The day was windy and hot and there appeared to be a few accidents. The first one was Ian who was on someone's wheel and they braked suddenly. I hear it was a pile-up. The other one I overheard was something similar - wheels touching from pack riding - and looked much worse as the woman's neck and head were being stabalized by paramedics when I went by.

What surprised me the most was seeing alot of triathletes riding maybe 3 - 4 tightly together in their aerobars. This doesn't make sense to me.

What suprised me a little was how few people said hello to each other! Anyway... I was feeling a bit spacey and groggy and a very nice group of riders came by. One shouted are you Jordan? and I uh.. yeah... uh why? I guess he reads my blog and well it was very nice that he wished me luck at Ironman. Cool! Then a girl rode beside me for a bit and said she saw me at Great White and we chatted a bit about doing Ironman this year.

The route, I have to say, was beautiful. Beautiful scenery, beautiful roads, pleasant motorists and well supported. I'd likely just do the 100 or 50km route next year for fun. I have a feeling those distances might be a little more friendly but maybe not!

Oh yes afterwards there was roast beef on buns, salad, beans, cake, fruitsicles and I think you could get a beer (if you couldn't you should have been able to!).

I manged to wipe out in the parking lot walking to the van. Too funny. I sat there for a bit just surprised at my sheer dorkiness! :) haha.

That's all for now... Happy Training!

Hay + Barn something like that

2009-07-26T18:21:00.000-06:00

Well, the Tour d'Alberta is behind me now... a century + ride that was hot and windy (like Ironman will be?). I'm sunburned. I wiped out in the parking lot going to the van (haha dork). I rode conservatively and without drafting anyone. I enjoyed the day...

and a shoutout to any of you sneaky people who read my blog! That was fun having someone anonymous who reads my blog say good luck to me!

I'll add some pictures and tell you more later. Now I need to eat some protein! :D

be curious

2009-07-24T20:02:00.000-06:00

Awakening

2009-07-10T10:43:00.000-06:00

Swirling around me go the thoughts, the reminders, the grounding I need.

Family
The boys, John. They are my rock. I backed out of a training weekend in Penticton this weekend because (mainly) of my boys. They have been gone this week with my mother and every day I miss them so much my heart aches when I go to bed at night. Being away and not there for them on their first day of summer camp this year was far too much to bare. I see in John the toll all the training is taking. My training schedule moves from - "learning to endure" - to "final prep" and it's in these moments I can look back and truly reflect on everyone's sacrifice. Huge. This will not be my accomplishment alone.

Friends
I've been thinking lately about the social networking sites and how they've led me down a path of delusion. My friend and fellow blogger, Hope, recently quit facebook. She discovered how truly attached we are to this electronic pulse when friends around her no longer knew if they were her friends! haha... isn't this funny? My friends list is at 164 but my true friends are countable on one hand. And I look forward to reacquainting myself with true friendship when my schedule opens up again. With a promise to myself to recognize and grow those who have been honest, inspiring, loving and real. A promise to myself to write that letter to Ella, to send a card to Cathy, to follow through with that challenge with Kerry (and drink wine and laugh at ourselves again).

Illusion
Ironman is a big illusion. Smoke and mirrors. It will be what I make of it on the day. I have, in earnest, recognized that this is a hyped up event marketed at our egos. Don't get me wrong. I'm REALLY looking forward to this day. But I recognize it for what it is. I want my piece of the ego pie - but I've discovered it's not the way to happiness... I'm pretty sure I hadn't set out to find my happiness in ONE RACE but I have noticed along the way how I get sucked back in again and again to making it into more than it really is. If I am successful it will be : my biggest sporting achievement to date. But I will not be defined by it.

Forward movement
I'm excited to say I'm in some early development on bringing a program to Edmonton that follows my philosophy. Sport can cure your mind. You'll have to keep reading to see if it happens.

Thanks for reading, happy training!

So what did you learn?

2009-07-07T08:18:00.000-06:00

Ok here are some of the learnings from my 3rd GWN 1/2 IM:

Swim

I was told last year by my swim coach to hold my own in the water and not get bullied around. If I felt like I was holding pace and swimming a straight line then continue on my line. Of course I also want to go into any race with the mentality of "adapt" so the two thought processes collided in the swim this year as a male competitor felt I was not swimming straight and proceeded to pull me from my left shoulder down into the water twice. Ok, hold the line AND adapt I thought and I sprinted ahead of him. At which point he grabbed me by the leg and pulled me backwards and down under the water. I swallowed quite a bit of the lake and then sat up and turned around to shout at him. He kept repeating "swim straight"... "swim straight". My words were not choice.

So I continued on but at this point noticed I was breathing every stroke. I told myself to let go and I did... (also promised myself when I finished I could tell anyone who would listen!). My swim was ok. First lap I was on track for 35... second lap (where I ran into my drowning friend) I slowed down.

Bike

Hey what can I say other than I now know I have to work on both climbing and descending hills aggressively. I couldn't bring myself to attack the hill this year. I have no idea what that was about but I got passed by about 20 girls most of them probably in my AG right at Genesee. I hammered hard on the flats on the way home to find them. Caught a couple - but lost a lot of time to that blasted hill.

Run

This is where my nutrition may have been a factor. My legs felt AMAZING no leg pain at all but my guts started to act up about midway. I could tell when I started that I had a belly full of liquids. It may have been that the protein in perpetuem was not being absorbed when I was going all out on the bike. Something Greg warned me about.

Ok and there's this one little thing that is bugging me. On the run John picked me up in the last 5-6 km's and he said I wasn't racing as hard as I could. Last year he told me this too but I had no more to give and couldn't talk. This year he points out we were talking and when I crossed the line I was chatty. He said I should have pushed it so hard I was barfin' like the guy who crossed a few seconds before me.

I think he's right. I think I could have gone harder on the run. So what keeps me from it?

Anyway, I loved racing without knowing my time. Can I let go of that again at Ironman?

Let your light shine

2009-07-06T14:34:00.001-06:00

Great White North has come and gone and I gave it my all and improved on last year's time by 23 minutes overall. What I am most proud of is how I felt at the end. Strong and Happy.

Instead of all the details of the race I want to share some high points:

The smiles and comraderie with my friends were the #1 experience of the day. When I first started out I was so terrified and knew hardly anyone doing triathlons. Now the circle of people I know and care very much about who are participating is expanding and I am so grateful for their warm smiles and well wishes.

A hug from Dan, Doug, Sarah and Brian pre-race was fantastic. Seeing that Warren had shown up to race was very special.

My mom was my super race crew in the AM and PM!

Meeting Amber and her husband the day before and seeing them out on race day was inspiring.

Out on the run course I met someone who reads my blog - how's that for neat-o! She said she'd comment so I hope she does so I can in turn read hers. I gave out lots of positive energy to others which helped me to have the strongest 1/2 IM run so far.

In the last 5km's I saw my husband (who ran with me for a bit and picked me up to keep going stronger), my family, my running buddies from the Hypo Clinic (including Becky and Laurel who ran with me for all those crazy cold training runs!), training partners and friends from the Callingwood Running Room and then Greg and Naomi my heroes by the finishing chute. I started to cry because I was just so happy that I could be out there racing. What a blessing!

Mostly I want to congratulate Doug and Sarah who both finished their first Great White North 1/2 Ironman tris. I am so proud of both of you.

Tuesday To do's

2009-06-30T09:42:00.000-06:00

Hokay:

1. ~~Clean old cassette~~ and bike;
2. Buy some tools for bike;
3. ~~Figure out what I'm wearing race day~~;
4. ~~Deposit cheque~~;
5. ~~Enjoy Wednesday off work and have a relaxing time with family~~;
6. Stay on target with taper;
7. Eat healthy;
8. Smile;
9. Remember why I'm doing this;
10. Go hard on Sunday!

Things are coming together. I'm feeling pretty tired, coach says that's normal and that's good so I'm listening to his advice. Pretty successful at tuning out the rest except for some panicking feelings I was having in the pool with chest tightness. Greg said this morning "you're going hard on your warm up wtf" or something to that effect which made me slow down and thus made me speed up on my first 200m all out. But then I talked too much and felt heavy for the rest of the workout. Regardless the little bit about slowing down helped me to relax in the pool and the chest tightness I carried from yesterday's workout until this morning has suddenly disappeared.

The Time Trials are all done for now. That was a super fantastic series. It's too bad we had only three athletes coming out to them but I have to say they couldn't have been better people. They made it fun and relaxed and then Andre went on to win his Age Group at the Half Moon Lake tri. Pretty cool!

This weekend will be an exercise in fun and an exercise in taking my mind out of the equation. I actually want to see how much I can suffer on race day. I have some fear about suffering the swim and the run but no fear about suffering the bike. I will race without a watch and do the best I can do. There's absolutely nothing at stake on race day so this is a chance to throw caution to the wind and have a blast.

Following that I am so geeked that I get to travel back to the Okanagan and try out the IMC course again.

Did I mention it's summer holidays? Well the boys are out of school - registered for camps, spending time with Grandparents and hopefully the sunshine will come out and we can spend some good times by a lake fishing. They both have brand new fishing rods and tackle kits ready to go thanks to their Dad :)

I have had a lucky and blessed year. I am so grateful :)

Steady as she goes

2009-06-17T09:21:00.000-06:00

Lots of things going on lately where to begin?

Time Trial

Well this is a good place to start. Last week marked my second attempt at the 20km Time Trial with the Method Club. Naomi had just had her surgery that day so we really didn't expect to see her and Greg out there. My friend Sarah and I shared a ride out to the Strathcona Olympiette Centre and laughed at the prospect of not having to tell ANYONE our time since we were the only ones there. Off Sarah went flying down the road and I followed her all twitchy to race two minutes later.

Going hard and watching Sarah in the distance was fun, tough, fun and tough. I finally caught up to her and no sooner had I passed than a car pulled up beside me. It was Greg and Naomi! Haha... ok now I really have to go. I'm breathing from the bottom of my lungs trying to feed my muscles oxygen. Ok turnaround now (slowed down way too much because I'm afraid of gravel)... hammer home!

The motto was "Under 30kph is unacceptable". Coming back is a slight (very slight) up hill and a bit more of a wind so I was ready to really suffer. The kph starts dropping and I start to yell out loud to myself "NOT ACCEPTABLE!" haha.... just as my yelling picks up I get passed by a roadie. Hm. Another "not acceptable" so I notice he slows on the hill and I attack back and pass him. We do this several times before I get to the finish (infront of him) in a new PB of 35 min: 40 sec. The whole time we had said nothing to each other but as he passed me after the finish he acknowledges me with a "good ride" :) That was so wonderful.

We stood around and chatted with Naomi and Greg after Sarah came in with a faster time too! It was a beautiful night and Sarah and I checked out:

Swim

the dreaded Half Moon Lake:

Actually it wasn't that bad. It wasn't all that GOOD either but Sarah got her face wet and I got to recall what it feels like to swim open water.

Finding places to swim in central Alberta is not easy. Clean, large, PUBLIC and temperate lakes are simply not available. So you take what you can get and when. Hopefully tonight I'll be swimming at Summerside - a private lake that is supposed to be quite nice. With only a few weeks left to my first 'big' race of the season I would really like to have one 'longer' open water swim under my wetsuit.

Which brings me to:

New Shoes

I bought a pair of Newtons:

And so far so good! I'm really enjoying the feel of these shoes and hope to race in them (not sure yet - have to try them out on a long run). They are meant to get you striking midfoot and though I'm naturally a heel striker (almost a braking like action). I have been working on fast(er) turnover/leg speed thus getting to a more midfoot strike naturally. What I find with the shoes is an urge to push off once striking that forces the leg speed. I love it, but often my lungs cannot keep up!

And finally (for now):

The MS Tour

What a great time!

Day 1 I cycled with Steve and Shawn. We headed out last as Steve seems to like passing and worked together to keep the pace strong. The plan was for no stopping. Sure enough as we cruised past the lunch stop in Wetaskiwin I was told by the boys that there was no turning back now. If I wanted to come on the Challenge Loop (an extra 44kms to our 90 some KM ride) I had to keep up/No stopping!/No support! I gave it two seconds thought and then said ok... I'm in :)

I always feel best when I get past the 100km mark. Saturday was no different. At that point I had a little in me so we did about a 10km sprint when the road smoothed out and the wind died down a bit. Steve claims we were pushing 45kph for 10km's I dunno about that! but it was great to feel the pick up in my legs.

The day was hot and I was a bit dehydrated. I also fell back on my promise not to drink that evening and had a few beers before bedtime. That being said the ride home was nice and gentle and I got to share it with John (except when his derailleur seized up near the end). The burger in Nisku after was delish too!

Well that's it for now, though I have a lot more to report on... I'm just looking forward to enjoying all the training and keeping focused. As the fatigue gets higher it's important to stay focused, to remember why I'm doing this, to remember it's fun and some days it's just freakin hard (that's ok!) and to just keep plugging away at my own pace.

Happy training!

Navigating Life

2009-06-09T08:36:00.000-06:00

Interpersonal Conflict

I had some. Most of it was my own stuff, but also residual stuff from my trip to Vancouver and it all came out of me on Saturday. It was not 'precious' it was not pretty and I'm not particularly proud of how I handled it but I did know something had to change, I had to take a step back and I had to figure out how people who are not super close to me could bring forth so many awful emotions.

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt. ---Thomas Merton

I took a step away, fully realising that I may not step back in (burned bridges probably) but needed to for my own security. Somehow though, I will have to address this issue rather than continue to walk away from it.

Training

Training is going along very well. I had a very nice long (only 2 hours yay!) run on Sunday after a lovely Saturday spent with my friend Doug out at Sylvan. We attempted an open water swim (too f'in cold) but then went out on a cold, hilly, windy ride. Just perfect training conditions. We followed it up with a T run.

Last week I also did a 20km time trial with the Edmonton Method Club and had a great time. I now have a benchmark that I'm dying to smash this week.

Yesterday while swimming my recovery 100m sets I saw a split I have never seen before and I was really proud. I do have problems completing my longer sets some days because I start to get bored. The rest of June will be practicing my mental sharpness/focus as well as "learn to endure" as the training plan cycle suggests :)

Family

I just have to add: My boys are growing way too fast. As I walked Caleb to the bus this morning, watched him give chase to a magpie and be fine walking 10 paces ahead of me I nearly burst into tears. Where is the time going?

Food

2009-06-03T13:33:00.000-06:00

Cravings (and list of things to buy this week):

Dark Chocolate

Avocados

Tofu

Walnuts

Tomatoes

Mmmmmmmm

Time goes by... so slowly...

2009-06-03T12:47:00.000-06:00

Well, it doesn't.

We're at the three month out mark. I'm feeling strong in the water, relatively strong on the bike and oh oh so weak on the run.

Yesterday at the pool I explained to CoachGreg how I was starting to lose my focus a bit and looking around at what other people are doing and feeling discouraged. We had a pretty good talk and I felt like my head was screwed on straight after.

I went home, did the kids to school thing, did the morning get ready for work routine, went to work an did the work thing, came home and did the get supper ready for everyone thing, laid down for half an hour and did the sleep like you are dead thing, got up and did the go back to work thing, did the work thing, got dressed for the run thing and headed out.

And it all came apart. Maybe I needed this crappy run. Maybe I need a big huge kick in the ass. Maybe I need to fall down in order to get back up again. I've been feeling SOOOOO great in training for a while now but it seems that quite possibly the May marathon caught up with me. I'm one month out and my legs are suddenly TIRED.

I'm glad I had the talk with Greg - otherwise I may have just lay down instead of running down Emily Murphy hill. I may have just started crying in the bathrooms when I hit the bottom of the hill and nearly exploded right there. Still I wasn't in the best of moods. I also questioned why the hell I am doing this. I'm entitled to question that, right?

Ahh well. One bad run in the books. It's not all sunshine and lolipops over here ;-)

On to brighter things:

1) I'm wearing a bright yellow froofroo top today ;
2) 20km Time Trial tonight *woot*;
3) Summer seems to have arrived;
4) I managed to plant a garden thus proving you CAN have a life and train for Ironman!;
5) John bought folk fest tickets yay!!!

Ok. Happy training everyone :)

time for an update

2009-05-25T09:27:00.000-06:00

Well... training camp was fun but exhausting. It was hard trying to fit in with a group where everyone already knew each-other and seemed to be tight-knit. The camp was a little loose on providing athletes with maps, information, and structure. The camp DID give me a big confidence boost for IMC on day one of riding when we went up anarchist climb. In fact, had I just done anarchist and spent the rest of the weekend running and swimming I would have enjoyed it much more! Unfortunately I had a slight back injury and riding the IMC course proved difficult and slow because of it.

Feeling confident in my training plan and where I need to be at "right now" or "in the now" kept me from sucking it up on day two and giving in to more pain. After 5 and a half hours of riding I called it a day. I saw what I needed to on IMC so I could make a mental picture.

I ran up against some negativity but on reflection may have brought it on myself. I said outloud to another participant that I felt confident I could ride the race in approximately 7 hours. She challenged me on this, saying that was her goal time and (not knowing anything about me) said I should add an hour to that to be realistic.

I actually laugh at it now - and am no longer hurt by it. She obviously sensed that I was unsure of myself and dove right in to that sweet spot of my own insecurity and filled it up with her own! Negative thoughts and negative self-talk can have this funny dance when we interact with other people. I'm dusting it off as a learning experience and very proud that I just got up and walked away!

It was interesting that no one asked me about my hair at the camp. Are they being polite? When we stopped on the way home in Hinton a stranger asked me about it and told me her own story of supporting a friend who had breast cancer by shaving her head as her friend went through chemo.

So after camp (big surprise) I was smashed. I didn't feel like training much afterwards but tried to keep some of my swim and bike sessions. Recovery from travel and riding was much harder than the recovery from the marathon!

I was really looking forward to Coronation Triathlon. It's a really fun race with Groat Road totally closed off for the bike and a challenging run down then back up it. I was fortunate this article fell in my lap just prior to the race:

The Myth of Glory

and I took it to heart. I raced without looking at my watch and without bringing my garmin. I just went out to do as well as I could. I woke up with a chest cold, cough but ate my cereal, drank my coffee and rode my bike to the race.

I was so lucky to see Kerry and Anna since they really gave me a good positive energy boost just prior to the swim start and all along the course with their super duper cheering! The swim felt great. I got a bit tired near the end but didn't push very hard overall. Just conserved a bit, passed when I had to - had no idea what my time would be but was happy when I read the results that it was 20 minutes and change. Got to the bike and hopped on (ok I need to work on being faster getting on and off my bike) and rode the very fun course. Again not knowing what my time was I just pushed the best I could and maybe held back a little too much until the end when (I believe) I had my fastest lap overall.... no idea though!

On the run I just promised myself to only walk at the aid station at the bottom. Sure enough I did just that and put in my overall fastest time for this event.

My family was there at the finish line and I was so lucky they came out to cheer. I must have been so focused I didn't hear them at all on the course but noticed John right at the end. I got to see Greg finish and even though he had GI troubles near the end he looked very strong.

I am learning the following:

1. stay with the training plan (there's a reason for every workout - camps give good psychological boosts but their physical toll can outweigh this);
2. there's nothing at stake on race day;
3. getting faster at swimming this year has taken a completely different approach to my training. accepting it and working at it has shown great results;
4. triathlon is not my life but can be incorporated into my life. I feel the Method coaching from ironguides and Greg and Naomi has really allowed me to not get stressed out this year. The coaching reminds me to enjoy my training and I am immensely.

Most importantly I am thankful that, though I am often frustrated with my body and the slow progress I am making at getting to my ideal physical self, my body gave back to me what I had put into it as far as training and recovery. What a gift!! :)

emotional week

2009-05-07T14:25:00.000-06:00

Well since coming home and decompressing from the marathon I've run the gamut of emotions. Most of them NOT having anything to do with my race but to do with my hair and my image.

Just prior to the headshave I felt very alone and sad. I didn't have much time or space to reflect or share these emotions. I suppose the people who rode in the car with me on the way sensed it. I know John saw me crying here and there.

When I saw that the children were only going half (except one brave little girl shaved off half her head that day - the rest later in the week) and the grownups were getting cut or clipped panic set in. I really was alone or on the outside and back to that awkward and oddball girl. I couldn't muster much for jokes, my primary defence strategy.

I had to be pretty firm in my reasons for doing this... and it has helped since coming back. I get strange looks so I tell people right off. My hair is shaved yeah, I raised money for cancer. The reaction usually lightens and they'll say I'm brave. Maybe I'm brave, but I still had a choice. Others don't. I got a note from a girl I knew in highschool who upon seeing my pictures on facebook (that dastardly beast that does not allow you any control over what gets posted) thanked me and sent a picture of her and her family going bald in support of her sister. I asked her how she felt after the shave and she said it was great when she was in a group (her family) who all knew the reasons why but the self-consciousness came about when she went home to calgary.

So I remind myself why I did it. I remind myself that it is GOOD to detach from your self-image. I remind myself that this is temporary too and I draw my imagined self at IM this year:

I need to let go of my fear of other people's reactions. I need to let go of needing to belong. I need to let go, let go, let go....

tagged - a fun quiz

2009-05-05T08:51:00.000-06:00

from Naomi who is a superwoman in my books:

The rules are:
1. Fill it out
2. Change one question with one of your own
3. Add an additional question
4. Tag 3 other people to do the same

1. What are your current obsessions?
Self-improvement, self-acceptance, sushi, any reality tv

2. Which item from your closet are you wearing most often?
My hat right now... ;-)

3. Last thing you bought for yourself?
Lipgloss

4. What’s for breakfast?
Bagel but I prefer oatmeal and always always coffee

5. Say something to the person who tagged you:
I am the luckiest person in the world to know you. You are resilient, strong, kind, funny as hell and a graceful beauty.

6. What is one item you could not live without?
My bike... but I suppose I could live without it, just not as happy. Ok air? :)? :)

7. Vacation spots you must visit before you die?
I've never seen blue ocean. I hope I live to one day feel warm sand and blue water.

8. What is your most immediate short term goal:
Become organized.

9. What are you reading right now?
Marathoning for Mortals on the plane.

10. What is the last movie you saw and enjoyed?
A canadian short documentary film on "Pi day" Was really cute for a nerdy short!

11. What’s your guilty pleasure?
sushi sushi sushi

12. What’s your favorite smell?
ocean

13. Whats something you look forward to?
Picking Noah up from school
Waking up to a full home
My bed ooh sleep sleep sleep

14. Favorite Quote?
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" Oscar Wilde
"Keep Going Never Give Up" Spencer Dolling

15. What is something you would like to do, as outrageous as it may sound?
Place top 10 in my AG by 2015 at GWN.

16. Whats one thing you can't go a day with out doing?
Hearing my kids voices.

17. What do you have an addiction to?
Coffee
Internet
Sometimes an addiction to bad feelings (breaking this cycle)

18. Whats your favorite holiday?
Family Day - cuz it's a little extra time off :)

19. How many pairs of shoes (not just running) do you have??
Would take me all day to count. My faves are red :)

20. Tell us one random thing about you.
I danced in the Opening Cermonies of the 88 Winter Olympics

21. Why did you start your blog?
In 2005 I wanted to start documenting my journey, trials, tribulations (what a funny word) in getting to Ironman. Something to look back on I guess. I've been journaling since I could write.

22. What is your silliest/ most embarrassing triathlete rookie story?
Not so much a rookie but my Great White North bike picture my helmet is practically sideways. That's at the halfway point! Oh and every time I try to mount my bike or any sudden stops when I often just fall over instead of unclip :D

23. If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?
Marry John again on a beach in Hawaii.

24. What is your best childhood memory?
In lethbridge, flying kites with my grandpa.

Tag! You're it..

*Hope
*Kerry
*Jim

some sort of race report

2009-05-05T08:08:00.001-06:00

I suppose I shoud write some sort of 'race report' heh.

Well I got it done. Slow but sure. I knew starting out that day that I would finish. I knew that I would stay mindful of my goal and I hoped to remain uninjured. The marathon day seemed to hold a powerful lesson for me and that was to be true to myself and to be assertive.

true to myself
At one point I ran up to a woman who had just been cheered on by her family and was walking and, it seemed, almost in tears. As I caught up to her I asked her if everything was ok. We were at about 16 km's and she said she'd hit the wall. She was worried she was going to be last. We talked a little about our training and ran down a hill together before taking a walk break. I introduced myself and I learned her name, Delaina. We ran for a bit together. I practiced silence mostly, since I know that sometimes when people are struggling I tend to say the wrong thing (and I really don't mean to) I kept running along and I think she must have kept me in her sight (she finished about 10 minutes behind me). I saw her at one turn around point and gave her a big hug. She wasn't last and she'd made it past 32 km's. I'm sure she knew then she could keep going and finishing was all that counted.

assertive
Another person I met was, well, interesting. I caught up to him and said hi, it looked like he'd done this before. He had done 60+ marathons and eventually told me he was going for some kind of record of consecutive marathons in Alberta. At first he was very nice with some good 'get er done' advice. Then he became a little too much. Telling me when to walk. Telling me what to eat and drink? weird. I was so relieved to see John so I could just run away from this man. I need to find a way to not let myself be sucked into situations like this.

The last half was a bit of a blur. Great up to 30kms and still on track for a 5 hour marathon. Then the push to race fell away and I just enjoyed (John would say I crabbed through the last bit) the last kilometers and finishing my first marathon.

My time may even be comical but I am laughing for another reason: I feel great :0)

Another important thing to me was to have my head shaved and to run in memory of Spencer. I did both those things and I am proud of myself for having the courage to finish what I started. There were moments when I wondered why I was doing this and felt alone. I feel totally bare without my hair and strangers either look at me with confusion or pity but I know deep down what it's about. And it's enough of a private journey that those who are close to me understand as well.

Be strong
Be brave
Keep going
Never give up

In peace,
me

Razor #2 and 42.2

2009-05-02T20:36:00.000-06:00

One down

Another to go

Here we go

2009-04-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

To Do:

1. ~~Clean House~~ (a little help from the inlaws)
2. ~~Do all the laundry~~ (more of that help thing)
3. ~~File Taxes~~ have to send by mail
4. ~~Get PAID?~~ that was the trickiest
5. ~~Pay bills~~
6. ~~Take bike into Element~~
7. ~~Figure out what to wear on race day~~
8. ~~Fly to Vancouver~~
9. ~~Get my Head Shaved~~
10. ~~Snuggle with John~~
11. ~~Run a Marathon~~
12. ~~Drink some beer~~
13. ~~Don't get injured~~
14. ~~Fly Home~~
15. ~~Get back to training~~

I'll cross them off as they get done :)

blog worth mentioning

2009-04-29T10:07:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to link any readers up with a very cool blog:

http://blog.bikeridr.com/

I went to Jr/Sr High School with Ken and this year he's taking on the 2009 Transrockies challenge with his friend Sheldon. His wife is also a triathlete and doing her first 70.3 this year.

I just learned from the site that Gary Fisher is going to be at Mud Sweat and Gears on May 9th. How cool is that?

because I can say this...

2009-04-21T21:00:00.000-06:00

Your true friends will be happy for you ... when you are happy.

St Albert 10 miler

2009-04-20T09:03:00.000-06:00

Where to start. Hmm I'm going to categorize some things blah dee blah:

1. Self

Thursday I attended MRJC's (non-profit I work for) AGM and had a visit with my best friend and her baby, Liam. Stayed up until 12 am (yikes) buttttt fit into a perfectly beautiful size 10 dress bought at an old lady store in Kingsway. I discovered it was an old lady store when I looked online and saw that they cater to 35 - 50 year old women *DAMN*. But what was shocking and wonderful was grabbing my regular size off the rack and having it hang off me in weird and funny ways and having to go down a couple sizes to find something that was flattering? Odd but I'm taking it as a good sign.

2. NVC workshop

I attended (Friday and Saturday) a workshop on Non-Violent Communication. The instructors were Jim and Jori Manske. The workshop was eye opening and surprisingly related to my personal life and training more than professional development.

The premise is that behind every conflict are unmet needs on both sides. Basic Human needs like: Love, Food, Shelter, Spirituality, Ease, Peace, Autonomy, Understanding, Community... the list goes on. Getting to the needs behind the conflict in an empathic way allows for a more complete resolution. Resolution is not always achieved and they do illustrate how empathy supersedes resolution in their model of mediation.

How on earth could a mediation model relate more to personal (ok that's not a big leap - we all want to be better communicators with the people we love, spouse, children, friends) ... but training?

If you sit with yourself and ask in honesty and with an open heart what you are trying to achieve in sport; what needs are being met; what is your purpose in your training in every moment (being PRESENT with your NEEDS, the true essence of your SELF is a HUGE gift no one else can give you) you will find a calmness and a deeper connection to your goals.

Should you not reach your goals or have an unmet need your ability to remain present with any disappointment or any negative feelings also allows you to move forward in grace and with empathy for yourself.

Staying with our emotions until they leave us and being present allows them to not take control of our lives. What we resist persists. Reflect on it :)

Also an underlying lesson was that being empathic and communicating in a different style does not come naturally and that we have ingrained a way of thinking/being that is difficult to undo. How does it get undone? Practice. Repetition.

Not unlike laying down neuro-muscular patterns is it? So on race day (moments of STRESS) what do we resort to? The good repetitive training we've conditioned into our bodies! Ah yes! And this is the training philosophy I am embracing! Love it!

3. Fitness

After leaving behind the 32 km's of torture last week I have been feeling very fit and excited about every workout that comes. I'm liking the following things:

1. I'm not feeling burned out, I'm feeling capacity and growth as a triathlete.
2. I'm getting faster (seriously! yay!).

I know this new way of training is what's keeping me mentally and physically fresh. Ironguides is pretty kick ass :)

4. the 10 miler

I'll just copy and paste what I've written to Naomi this morning about this race as I find it captures what I felt about it and how I approached it. I have to repeat I am very happy with the lessons and the joy I took in racing yesterday:

I had a good time yesterday at the race. I learned this small meditation from the NVC workshop where you go into yourself and reflect and answer (internally) some questions - examples "what am I feeling in this moment" "what are my needs?" "what is my purpose right now?" . After doing the meditation some things became clear. I was here to have fun. I have a need to play and to be challenged and my purpose was to do my very best.

My challenges were going to be: 1. Run straight through only walk at aid stations to take fuel and 2. Run without water (except at aid stations). I then grabbed on to a mantra I have heard my friend Jill say "two feet and a heartbeat" and off I went.

The pace I was setting was definetly hard for me so I also found I was trying to accept the pain and not back away from it. That's hard and maybe a process I have to continue to learn about.

They ran out of cups!! so it was really a challenge now that I didn't have a water bottle but I totally made my goals. I had to walk about around the hills at the end and my legs feel smashed up today! I was really pleased with the outcome for myself :)

Happy Training Everyone and Congrats to Greg on his awesome time at the 10 Miler on some Saturday-cooked-legs! :)

oh my

2009-04-15T13:21:00.001-06:00

Breathe.

Ok, boys may not want to read much of this. It's boring PMS stuff ;-)

It starts with some irritation, at the world, at myself, at my jeans at my complexion, at my salt cravings. It moves quickly to an ache in the back, a bloat in the front, a rabid need to move and be still, to sleep and to rest and then to yell, cry and hide.

Some alien has taken me over and I'm no longer _me_. I'm the _me_ I don't want to be.

Ok, back to breathe (and a coffee refill).

It's week three of my program and I'm still loving it. I missed one workout (last night's run - due to exhaustion (the life kind)) and don't forsee anymore missed workouts in the next little while. I ran 32km's Sunday (not part of the program) in gearing up for Vancouver's full marathon on May 3rd. As a BOPer it took 4.5 hours. It could have taken less time, (maybe half an hour less), had I not been running with other people. I headed out with the 4:30 marathon group and they started dropping like flies after 22km's. Taking walk breaks every two minutes and I couldn't stand it anymore so broke away from them for the last third. I felt myself getting stronger listening to some very poppy and self-indulgent music like Daft Punk, Pink, Kanye West and then some excellent Ani Difranco tunes.

I've been talking lots about whether or not I should do the full in Vancouver. My husband said I should just be quiet about it from now on. He has a point. I resolve to only waffle about it to him from now on (haha he's probably sooo sick of hearing about it). I have made up my mind though and here is my race plan and goals:

1. run (not race) the marathon in my head.

That means staying cool, staying zen, staying within my body and not with other's expecations or paces.

2. experience the pain and elation of the marathon.

Hopefully to record the experience for future reference.

3. stop veering off the plan already!

This is seriously a fault of mine. Adding races, adding workouts, switching stuff up and burning out too early. August 30th is close but not THAT close. There is a plan for me and I need to stick to it.

4. recover with good food, rest, ice and get snappy again.

I'm sure there are doubts I can do this. But I don't doubt myself in this one regard.

Ok. Now that I've talked about it it's on the shelf. Only to be talked about to my training partners, mentors, coaches; Naomi and Greg and the man in my life who hears it all over and over again, John.

I wish I had something more exciting for you. My days are mostly wake up train, work, mother, eat, sleep and repeat. I'm already running out of laundry and dishes time. Caleb reminded me this morning we hadn't shopped for fabric for his puppet project at school. I was procrastinating on filling out the application for Noah to attend his school and dashing about this morning trying to find a birth certificate. Nothing seems to come easy (is that my perception because of the PMS haze???) except one thing: The stress disappears when I swim, when I bike, when I run (well we'll take a sorta on the run). There is so much joy in the freedom of movement.

Happy Training Everyone :)

Week two!

2009-04-06T10:51:00.001-06:00

I showed up at the pool today and was glad I had.

Although yesterday I hadn't met my distance goal for my long run (because I'm starting to waffle on the marathon) I still had a fantastic run. I was joined by my running friend, Laurel. We ran for about 2 hours or 10 miles (whichever rocks your boat) of hilly and beautiful trails. We could plant our feet firmly on the ground and every time we said we should slow down our feet started to 'hoof it' again simply because it was one of our first NO SNOW/ICE runs!

My husband and boys met me at the Kinsmen pool and while they swam I tried to get in 20 x 100 just to loosen up but managed only 7 x before joining them and playing around in the warm kiddie pool. I was bagged having not eaten since breakfast and it was now 4pm. We hurried home and I cooked some delicious baked chicken, garlicky dirty mashed potatoes (dirty = skin on) and broccoli. Yum. Shortly after eating I realised I'd made a plan to meet Doug at Coronation. We haven't had a chance to catch up in a long time and I wanted to tell him more about the Method club and how great it is. I finished off my 20 x 100 set, grabbed some quick groceries and had a yummy beer with Doug.

The alarm came early this morning. I was dreaming fitfully and feeling restless so I jumped out of bed and grabbed my Bree Wee Recovery Cookies made on the weekend for just such an occasion.

I was glad Greg was there, it was just the push I needed to actually swim my sets. And to keep honest about taking my rests.

I'm feeling really strong in the water. Not necessarily fast, though sometimes I "get it" for a brief moment and the pool floor seems to move faster below me. I'm feeling some residual fatigue from the increase in volume as I base build and juggle the marathon training (more on that later).

Tonight is a bike session and tomorrow another swim. Things are coming together. I have never felt this kind of trust in my program before. It's a good feeling.

Cheers and happy training everyone :)

2009-04-03T14:21:00.001-06:00

Hey!

2009-03-30T20:43:00.000-06:00

Well I'm sitting here with silence in my home. The children are at the farm. The husband is asleep (not feeling well) and I've done my first workout of my 20 week IM program.

Shit that's scary.

20 weeks!

But, it's fun too.

I had a good weekend. The sun again, showed promise to melt the layers of snow and Saturday I headed out for a birthday celebration run. I had some intentions of running a km for every year (that makes 32) but my long run mileage was stuck at 21 km's since the Hypo Half. I settled on 30. Eh, what's another 9 kms?

Quite alot!

The first 10km's were beautiful and funny. I slid down Groat Road like a fool hanging on to the dirty guard rails and laughing at the frozen waterfall effect on the sidewalks. I ran happily and 'chill' not feeling taxed or breathing hard but thinking of my friend Jill saying "two feet and a heartbeat"... At 11 km's I stopped at the washrooms and saw a swim buddy Cheryl and we chatted for a few moments (enough time to hear she's off to Boston wow!)... off I went to my turn-around at 15km's. Still feeling amazing but now a little hungry. I packed some raisins and two gels and by now between the ice slowing me here and there I'd been out for a while. Ooops also, I forgot to eat a solid breakfast.

Now, heading back I'm dreaming of hitting the Running Room and buying some shot blocks. Mmmm maybe margharita. 26km's and I'm in the store, quick purchase and shoving salty gelatenous blocks in my mouth. What's 4k? Pshaw...

It's painful. And it's a reminder to respect the marathon distance... that's what it is! I made it to my vehicle sweaty and a bit cold but happy and relieved.

I was LUCKY enough to top this off with a fun night of drinks and food at Greg and Naomi's. Just sitting around talking tri, talking life I started to get excited about what was coming. I even got to re-acquaint myself with the woman who sold me my bike - the BEST part of this was when she told me she had shaved her head this summer just 'because' and how amazing an experience it was.

It got me thinking, again, how lucky I am. Tonight as I peddled my bike I thought about when I first had the 'ironman' dream how I was riding a mountain bike, had no idea what it was like to run beyond 21 and couldn't swim as comfortably as I can now. How lucky is it that all things are coming together and if I keep working at it I might achieve what I've set out to do? How lucky is it that when I mumble outloud that I'm unsure of my direction I find a plan that fits so well? When I worry I don't have anyone to train with smiling and kind faces show up in my life and say "come train with us!"? When I say "I don't know if I should shave my freakin head what have I done?" sure enough someone is saying...

yes, it's scary
but man is it freeing

:)

New developments

2009-03-20T08:51:00.000-06:00

First off, I have been sick this week since the 5k. It really threw a wrench in my plans to workout. I barely had the energy to get on the trainer and ride. I was coughing up ping-pong ball sized loogies (seriously!!!) and generally low energy. It took a lot of effort to force myself to rest but it was what my body needed. I'm still full of snot but pretty soon I'll have to be the woman from the advil commercial.

But most importantly some new developments on the triathlon scene have me more than excited. I am thrilled that Greg and Naomi are starting up a METHOD triathlon club in Edmonton.

The Method is a way of training developped by Ironguides who have a pretty impressive roster of athletes they have developped. But it isn't so much who they've trained but how they've trained them. I've been following and reading about their coaching style for a while now with great interest. Not having a coach per se but always looking up to other athletes and picking their brains I've been trying to mish-mash my plan with all sorts of training philosophies. I bit the bullet and downloaded the 20 week IM plan and after reading through it all have noticed two things:

1. I have less panic about trying to fit it all in. The plan is laid out in a very concise and constructive way. I can see myself fitting it all into 'real' life and I don't feel overwhelmed by the schedule. There is a degree of repetitiveness to the program which really suits a busy lifestyle. When you go into your workout there really is no guesswork (and no heart rate monitors/wattage/cadence calculation etc). There is a goal to each session that is clearly laid out and (THANK GOD) not a lot of "recovery workouts" or even "optional workouts". There are clear ways of dealing with fatigue or need for rest.

2. I am super happy that a club is forming. I'm currently training with partners when I can. Meaning, can I fit their schedule with mine? Are they doing similar workouts? I have shown up a few times to masters swim only to find out we're doing about 1200 - 1500m of drills and things like "kick at the wall" (you know, what you see your kids doing at swimming lessons). Which is FINE if you're only wanting to work on stroke/kick development but I see much more benefit from getting in the pool and working either my aerobic or anerobic system and if I have time then working on some drills (I usually put them in my warm up or cool down). I always push myself harder when I'm with a group but I need the group to be doing something similar and something triathlon focused.

Not to mention the club will be doing some track sessions - wee! (Ok I'm a bit nervous about that, but wow, to not be alone while trying to do some speedwork is a huge benefit for me and I know I'm going to learn a ton from this group).

So things are coming together for me. Isn't that exciting?

Wanna join me?

Info on the Method Club in Edmonton

Want to download the coolest training program from Sprint to Ironman?

Triathlon Training Plans

Enjoy your training everyone :)

snow falling spring

2009-03-15T19:06:00.000-06:00

Last night John and I went out for dinner (yay! kid free time!) and to see the movie One Week. Great little canadian film by the way. Filled with snapshots of our beautiful country and heavily sprinkled with heart string pulling moments. It all seemed very relevant, considering my upcoming "shave" as the main character has to face his cancer diagnosis and most importantly life-lived and to be lived.

I had a pint of Guiness for a little of the luck-o-the-irish and stuck to the turkey wrap and no snacks at the theatre. Yay for me! However, as we turned into the driveway to relieve the babysitters the weather started to turn. The wind picked up and snow was on its way. Great.

I had hoped for a 30 - 32 minute 5k at the St Patrick's Day run the next day. Last year at this time I decided to make my comeback at this race after a year and a half (more?) of depression, overeating, and no activity. I ran it in 38 minutes and was sooo disappointed in myself. I figured, at best, I could improve on that. Even better: get that 30 minute 5k I've been chasing.

Let me start off with this: running a 5k race is hard. You should be going pretty hard but you need to stay relaxed, and you need to NOT blow it (very easy to do) in the first half.

A quick review:

START: oh, crap I've seeded myself too far back (behind strollers and dogs)
1KM: get outta my way (tension building in shoulders)
2KM: ok, feeling good, what's my pace, shit, that's too slow HURRY UP GIRL
3KM: oh yeah, I'm cooked, hello legs? wake up?
4KM: uphill grunts while crazy guy starts yelling and sprinting himself up the hill. I'm just guessing that he hasn't quite trained for this.
5KM: ah kiss it goodbye, be happy you're a bit quicker than last year, be happy you ran - who am I kidding? I have a date with the distance and next time I plan on winning.

Well the kids are in the bath and it's time to put them to bed. It's a week without John so I'll have to be a bit creative with my workouts. I hate when that happens but you take what you can get.

Being Bald

2009-03-12T13:52:00.000-06:00

You know me (or maybe you don't?) - can't just run a marathon - have to shave my head too:

:)Balding for Dollars

The funds I raise are in the name of a truly amazing little boy who I never met but whose words have touched me since I heard them. As he was fighting cancer he encouraged others to "keep going" and to "never give up". It was his motto and it was his bravery that has inspired me.

You can see an amazing slideshow about Spencer Dolling and his battle with cancer here:

Spencer Slideshow

I'm looking at shaving my head as a freedom from the identification with physical self, as a celebration of life and as a way of supporting those who are fighting cancer right now.

I think I'll look pretty funny and I'm also looking forward to the laughter that will come with that.

----

The sun just started to make my corner of the world warm today and I have a bike and swim on the books. Sunday is a 5k run (race?) and I'll probably follow that off with about 2 hours of just easy running with my friend Laurel.

Happy training everyone. Look around you and say thanks :)

Hypo half

2009-03-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

First off, I feel a great sense of relief being done with this race. Partly because I was group leading for it and when you're group leading you are never showing up to your own training run or to your own 'race' even. But the upside is you get to help people accomplish their goals. That was the big success of yesterday's race.

Becky and Laurel have been showing up to every single long run/clinic night/tempo run/hill run that was scheduled. Their dedication and determination was phenomenal. They continued to inspire me, even though I was often puzzled and annoyed at why anyone would show up to run when it's -30 and windy. On our longer runs we would pick it up sometimes near the end and I would hold their race pace for a couple of minutes before telling them "this is your race pace" (about 6:45/km for a 2:30 half) they couldn't figure out how we would be able to run a race so much faster than our long slow runs but I assured them they would. In fact I could tell that either of them with the confidence to push themselves out of their comfort zones could train for a faster half.

Race day came, I was pretty tired from three days of hell cleaning up kids barf (kids seem to get sick WHENEVER something important is coming up) and although I had been gobbling ColdFX I wasn't feeling 100% My only concern was getting these women to a 2:30 half marathon or less.

The first five KM we were closer to on track for a 2:15 - 2:20 half marathon. We even caught some clinic members who weren't having their day and had to slow down. With the boost that passing them provided us Laurel was off at the 10km point chasing her PB finish for her first half marathon. Becky remained with me and we pushed through the hurt of the last third. We finished nicely in 2:29. Goal met.

I got some of the warmest hugs from Becky and Laurel. I had tears in my eyes from seeing Laurel finish her first half marathon so strong. She started with me when I helped out the 5km RR clinic and you would never have picked this woman out to be finishing a half in less than a year... and with great strength and guts and smiles.

Becky was a great inspiration too telling me to stick with her when I told her to go ahead and run her own race. She said no, you keep up, haha!

Anyway, it's not my personal best but I wasn't really training for a PB at this race. While I have trained with and see the merits in the running room's schedule/program I can see there are also different ways of training for speed on the run and I am happy to be able to focus on that for now.

My swim and bike have been going quite well. Once a week I do a time-trial on the bike and I can see the strength in my legs building over time. The pool is my happy place and always has been. I think I might see my biggest improvements in the water this year but overall I'm just enjoying getting back to the fitness and health that the training brings.

Keep your head down girl and keep going....

2009-02-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

You're too slow...

One foot infront of the other. I am slow (running) but moderate on the swim and bike. And I have to have some faith that the training will help overall with my speed. I can only focus on my own breathing, my own pain, my own joy and not on those who are ahead of me.

Dry roads and sidewalks would help too.

You're too fat...

Gabrielle Reece's photo is in my kitchen , the more I eat healthy the more I want to eat healthy. I'm learning that I can live (and be happy and full of energy) on a lot less food. I'm learning to eat to live and not live to eat... but the weight is slow to come off (it has been on a downward trend though lately). My dream is to race IM09 without "should haves" starting with "should have lost more weight".

You bit off more than you could chew

In the past week I've heard the "how do you eat an elephant?" analogy. One bite at a time. So how do you train for Ironman? "one workout at a time". PERIOD.

---

So when I hear the talk (all ego, whether perceived to come from outside sources or not) I just shut it up, put my head down and get my workout done, be in the moment, and give it all I have.

And that's all you can ask of yourself too.

Shift

2009-02-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

Since my incident with the fast acting NAIR most things have not been smooth.

My knee started to bother me more and more after a speed session with the half marathon clinic. My right shoulder was hurting in the pool. My need to train increased and with the response in effort (not volume) my body started to ask for more rest and more food.

I went to Dr. Yee for ART treatments. Specifically Graston:

It hurts like a mofo. Dr. Yee now likes me to do things like simulate my swim stroke or do some squats on a bossu ball while he scrapes away at the facia with his tools of pain. After my session on Thursday I needed rest. I needed sleep. I needed water.

Nice thing though was that I managed my 18 km's run on Sunday without pain. The pace was really manageable (7:30/km) and I had a bunch of kick in my 'concrete feeling' legs for a bit of a sprint between the groups of stragglers and keeners.

I'm wondering how the hypothermic half will unfold. I'm hoping for the best (ie a 2:30 half in these conditions would make me very proud).

On the emotional front well, that hasn't seemed to settle down. To top it off I'm dealing with some stress at work which has me looking for another job. I am blessed to be looking while continuing in my current job but as the work environment declines my need to find something/anything increases and on top of being a mostly stay at home mom and training for Ironman I think I'm going to lose it. Most days by the end of the day I just want to sleep since that's when the worry and the stress disappears. I have to watch this closely since my escaping to sleep and depression are clearly linked.

I'm looking forward to the half marathon being done finally and having my training schedule back to focusing on me. If that sounds selfish - so be it!

two things you don't need to know

2009-01-28T16:33:00.001-07:00

1) yes, it was hormone related
2) don't leave the "fast acting" NAIR on for even thirty seconds longer than the 6 minute maximum advised... mmmmk?

Keep moving

2009-01-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

Good spin....

Tough run...

Despite the fall on Sunday I've been back in the swing of training and making almost all my workouts. Sometimes there's some juggling (like my AM swim turning into a PM swim) but otherwise things are going well.

Emotionally I've been all over the place but I think that's hormone related.

Birthday

2009-01-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Noah...

buzzing

2009-01-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I will be able to put all the thoughts clearly here. I'm literally buzzing with those happy feelings you get from running. I'll do my best.

Yesterday

I picked up my Kurt Kinetic Road Machine, set up my bike, wiggled around and felt so "SECURE!", smiles, also I installed my Adamo ISM saddle for a spin. A couple hours later I was on cloud nine. The KK trainer makes you work your ass off, very different feel from a mag trainer (I didn't believe it until I felt it), I felt safe, I felt it was a great investment. The bike saddle was heaven. Stiff and well designed and a little bit prettier than my little black butterfly seat. Yes!

This morning

Is a big blur of emotions for me. I ran 16km's with my girls (group leading for the hypo half marathon clinic right now). It was warm. I wasn't layered like the Micheline Man. In fact I felt so free to run my body thanked me with no pain, no fatigue and a little bit in the tank to speed up at the end. The conversation turned to where we grew up and when I mentioned my bit of 'time' in Sherwood Park, Laurel (one of said girls) told me she used to teach there and asked me about teachers I had had...

She then mentioned Mr. Sheilds.

Now, when you think of people in your life. There are some that put a lump in your throat because they were that important to you. Mr. Sheilds is one of those people. I told her he was my hero and tried to explain a little bit of why. I can't even explain properly here (it's a post for another day) why, except to say that he believed in me at a time I felt no one else did. And he said as much. And it's why, to me, teachers are so valuable and so important.

And I don't exclude other kinds of teachers - coaches - mentors or anyone who imparts knowledge and wisdom. There are people who come into your life with purpose and you must must soak up as much as you can from them, while you can.

Ahh, so we finished the run. We stretched and laughed and plotted how large our lattes would be and then Laurel, who is maybe 20 years my senior started to jump around like a little girl. I asked if she had to pee? No she said

"I can't believe I just ran 16 kms!"

I laughed "Well, you knew you could do it right?"

She looked at me and said "I had no idea I could do it..."

Which surprised me, but also, which delighted me.

It has been a great weekend.

shark infested waters

2009-01-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

I don't care if they eat me alive.... I've got better things to do than survive.

Swimming

2009-01-04T18:53:00.001-07:00

I notice a lot of people track their distance in the pool. I've never really seen swimming this way, and I wonder if it is a runner's point of view or if I'm missing something.

I know for triathlon races you may want to know you can swim a certain distance continuously and gauge your time accordingly but wouldn't it be more important to know your race pace? (ie time/100m).

Is swimming mileage important to you? why? or, why not?

A good spin

2009-01-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

We're here. 2009. The first year I took up running I went from running around the block, to running a 5k, then 10k, then half marathon. While training for my half marathon I started to think about triathlon. The last time I had thought about triathlon I was a teenager. I had registered for a try-a-tri out of Kinsmen... don't even remember what event it was. I decided I would run a few times around the block, ride my bike and swim occasionally and I could finish a triathlon.

Confidence lacked, however, and when my grandmother died I used that as an excuse to give up the whole crazy idea.

Somehow, for some reason running re-ignited something in me. A passion, a desire to be fit, to challenge myself physically. To renew my pre-teen/teenaged love of sport, of competition.

And somehow I ended up getting into a crazy race called the Great White North, a local half ironman. I contemplated riding the bike portion on my mountain bike since I had no road bike. I'm sure outwardly I seemed rather nuts. A friend generously offered to lend me her road bike, but, I was lucky to find a used tri bike from a woman in my masters swim class for $300. It was too big but I put the seat as low as it would go and trained as much as I could on the roads with whoever was going out to ride.

I finished that race. I also crashed and burned emotionally after accomplishing so much in just over a year and not being able to persue my big dream of Ironman right away (or the next year).

It was much like the depression I experienced post-partum with both my children. Slow to show up but gigantic in its proportion.

Last fall the same friend who offered to lend me her bike decided to sign up for Great White North. In a split second I decided to see if there were still spots. I was registered. I was pretty f'in out of shape!! I trained my ass off all winter, swimming, spinning, running here and there (ok I really need to learn to love to run!). I bought a new bike, I met more and more triathletes, I got to watch a good friend train for Ironman Canada. 2008 was a great year for me. I dug deep and stayed balanced. I kicked some demons. I let some go... and I'm learning (what I think) is my biggest lesson in life so far, to let go and to live in the moment. To be present in my life.

So 2009 is here, and I welcome it, and the challenges and the joys that it will bring. My dream has already been fulfilled. I registered for IM. I'm on that freakin' list of people who are going to show up at the start line. Now for the journey :)

back at it, end of December bloat

2008-12-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

I survived Christmas. I managed to continue running outdoors even in crazy -30something windchill weather. I managed to keep my eating under control. I managed to get through the gong-show that Christmas-is with some grace intact. Well, on the last statement I'm not so sure. I think next year we (my husband, children and I) should skip all things Dec 25th and go to a beach. My kids aren't so sure about that.

I received way too many good and wonderful things from my family. I feel very spoiled and very lucky.

Under the tree was the ISM saddle I'd been eyeing up at Element. I'm so ready to hit the trainer it's not even funny. My running fitness has improved I think but I've been letting the swim and the ride slip. I still need to find a group that's meeting at a time/place that fits my schedule since I'm just not getting myself to the Y in the mornings.

I had so many bright an eloquent things to say as I was away from the computer for the holidays but they have slipped away for now....

I hope your holidays were wonderful and I wish you a fit and fabulous 2009....

Jordan

giggles

2008-12-20T14:50:00.001-07:00

did you know....

2008-12-13T11:55:00.001-07:00

I haven't been blogging much.

Christmas is all consuming.

But I'm feeling fitter; running regularly.

Enjoying it (for the first time in years).

Thinking about skiing this winter.

Thinking lots about Ironman - in a positive way.

Need to find time for the pool - and maybe someone to swim with to keep me accountable.

That is all for now...

Game from Sonia's Blog

2008-11-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

From Sonia's blog:

Fourth folder, fourth picture:

Noah and Louie sleeping

too early, but I'm throwing out some numbers

2008-11-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

A girl can dream. Last year I wrote my dream out and I came within minutes of it. I'm feeling healthier now. It's time to get down to business.

GWN goal times:

Swim: 0:38
Bike: 2:40
Run: 2:30

Ironman:

Finisher

about doubts

2008-11-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to forge ahead.

There is alot standing in my way, I'll name it:

money
time
health
chance
fear/doubts

I could elaborate on all those above but I'll just tell you I can friggen overcome it. I'm not going to let go of this dream. It is a dream that is healthy and positive for me. It is a dream that can be accomplished if I just work every day towards it.

The things I have going for me:

I'm stubborn
I'm tough
I have a family that believes in me
Through the training I believe I will begin to believe in myself (how's that for roundabout and long-winded)

I know this, it comes down to me and I am prepared to make this work.

Sad News

2008-11-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

My husband's Grandmother passed away Saturday night. It's sad and it's a relief. She was in her late nineties and had broken her leg recently. They couldn't do anything about the leg since her bones were not going to heal at this age so she was just left to pain medication and her bed. I'm sure if you asked her she was not happy about this state of affairs. John went and visited her shortly after the leg incident and came home relieved he had gone to see her but very sad because we all knew what hung in the air.

Gramma was a pretty neat lady. She once told me she had such a nice olive complexion because she was half native. It was early on in my relationship with John so I pretty much believed anything his family would tell me - I probably said something like "oh wow" later I asked John about it and he said she was pulling my leg! She had that kind of sense of humour. She was a sly lady. She also really loved her grandchildren and I know the boys will be sad attending the funeral on Thursday.

For me, there is a sense that she is released from the pain now and her life was an incredible one filled with love of family and friends. I know she will be remembered fondly with love always.

Which is a good reminder to myself and to you if you're reading - that we will not be remembered by our possessions but by the way we lived our lives. Live yours well.

Cheers.

who am i

2008-11-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit down right now. I've been fighting off a chest cold and feeling run down for 2 weeks straight now. It's getting the best of me when I cannot fall asleep at night because of the coughing. Or I wake up and cough myself back to sleep.

I started a paper route to help me with ironman this year. When I add up the costs of training weekends, equipment, travel and so on it seems a little overwhelming. The paper route seems to be going well. I wake up at 3 or 3:30 am and run for 2 hours and then I'm done. Once this cold goes away I'll be able to work my swim schedule in after papers. Right now I'm just coming home and warming up in a bath and hitting the hay as soon as a quiet moment presents itself.

Lately while running around in the morning a lot of doubts have started to creep up. Most of the time I feel a bit awkward in my body and I've been feeling pretty down about myself in general the past week. Things going on emotionally surely aren't helping me to get better physically and I need to break out of this cycle.

But who am I to imagine I could do this? It's what I'm struggling with right now.

Home

2008-10-20T08:51:00.001-06:00

I have to say I've realized I am a home-body. Maybe this is temporary as my children grow, or maybe it will last for a long time, I really don't know. For now I know that any trip over about 5 days is too long for me to be away from my children, my dog, my cat and my family unit.

The trip to the O'Hare airport was quite eventful. We were told on the train by a man completely out of his mind he was going to kick our faces in (6 am on the train in Chicago is VERY different from 'business hours'). When switching to the blueline I chose an unfortunate seat which had been urinated all over. Then the loudspeaker came on which incoherently screamed we would have to get off at the next stop and take a bus two stops before getting back on. At this point I looked at John and told him we were taking a cab the rest of the way.

John and I felt like we were on the amazing race by this point and our flight change in Minneapolis was no disappointment complete with running across the terminal to our very far away gate... arriving just as they were boarding :)

I napped and read and anxiously waited to get off and see my boys. Noah seems to have grown two inches and Caleb is reading difficult chapter books in a day. I received big hugs and unpacked the suitcase of small things we brought back for the boys. Caleb said he felt like the "king of Chicago" with all the stuff he received. It was good for a laugh. Of course the biggest hit was the Sky Mall catalogue with various crazy inventions inside.

All the interpersonal stuff aside Chicago is quite a great city to visit. You can probably see the best of it in 4 or 5 days and stay longer if shopping is your thing. I like shopping, but the dollar is really weak and the deals weren't really deals if you considered that.

I did find a pretty pair of red patent leather croc high heels, a zip up running jacket (zella) at nordstroms and a couple of OBAMA 08 shirts which just fascinated me... the running shoes were no cheaper and with taxes and exchange were disappointingly almost more expensive?

We saw the bean, a glossy, reflective art piece near the art institute (wherein we saw American Gothic, a Jackson Pollock, some beautiful sketches by Picasso and Salvador Dali). We took a boat tour detailing the amazing architecture. We walked to the zoo which is free and beats any zoo I've been to and paid for. We ate deep dish pizza and drank too much while visiting a blues club near our condo. We watched people, heard honking, saw great busking and went to an NBA game.

John ran a marathon and pushed himself to his physical and emotional limits - I got lost trying to find him at the finish line (I think it was 45,000 participants and about 1,000,000 spectators?)...

It really was a trip of a lifetime, now I just want to recover and find my routine again.

I am very glad to be back in Canada and have I mentioned so very happy to be with my boys again?

2008-10-15T19:47:00.000-06:00

warmer

2008-09-30T14:53:00.000-06:00

It's warm today.

The kids cough. hack. spit. throw up.

Now it is playdough and Tori Amos. Don't laugh.

I should be out running and breathing the warmth into my lungs. I should be on the bike sweating away. I'm indoors and have no one to rescue me until Friday. I'll make up for it on the weekend but this 'weekend warrior' shit is getting tired.

Oh, and I miss my husband. ALOT.

Another XC race down....

2008-09-18T08:04:00.000-06:00

Whew.

Frank McNamara you may have kicked my ass twice but one of these days I'll kick yours! (sorta maybe). Two loops, kinda hilly.

I am always inspired by the faster runners. Got a 'good job' from Paul Tichelaar as he looped me near the finish (I was starting the second lap).

I was very slow, everything seemed to hurt, I cramped up but I feel like this series is my character building for now and I will take what I can get :)

Rotary Run for Life

2008-09-14T12:37:00.000-06:00

I know it's odd that I'm doing races that I'm not specifically training for. I have chosen to do this to keep my momentum up and to keep me active in a phase (post A-race) that I would normally say screw it and sit on the couch with beer and potato chips. While some beer and potato-chipping has been done I've also managed to fit in some events that have been good for me and my "mojo".

I had signed up for this run as a favour to a friend of a friend who was the race director. The race is to raise funds and awareness for suicide prevention. Something, dear reader, you may know is close to my heart after battling depression off and on in my 20's and 30's. To be blunt, while I cannot imagine today WHY or HOW just last year I was afraid of the darkness that crept into my life. So afraid that when coming home I would avoid parking in the garage. Sometimes I would park behind my house and cry, not knowing why, not wanting to go in, not wanting to stay outside.

Luckily I am surrounded by people who care about me, although I often neglect to believe how much. I know my husband, John, experienced the biggest brunt of my spiraling downwards my kids secondly and the world absolutely last. If you have struggled with it you may know the numbing feelings, feeling insular, feeling hopeless and the darkness that clouds the corners of your vision. If you haven't struggled with it - it becomes difficult to imagine and almost pathetic to witness. I wish the world compassion when it comes to mental health.

Sport has been my refuge. A place where I build up the positive endorphins without chemicals. A place where I smile, thrill in challenge and find that giving fills me up as much or even more than receiving.

Today was no different.

I have to, though, backtrack to last night. Caleb and Noah both are coughing. Caleb of course has fairly serious asthma that is triggered by viruses. We started upping the preventative steroids but it was too late. By supper time he had a full-on asthma attack and started turning blue. John rushed him to the hospital while I watched Noah. Noah and I had a quiet little time which was nice. I debated backing out of the 10k race since my heart goes into my children's well-being when they are this sick. Well, after Caleb's 44th visit to the hospital with some meaner steroids pumped into his body and a good dose of oxygen and ventolin we were all in bed by 11. My clothes were laid out for the next day and I decided to go ahead.

Race morning was uneventful. My friend Esther picked me up. We drove there, picked up packages and chips. I wasn't hoping to PB (1:06 is my PB and next year I want that to come down to sub 1:00hr for the 10k) but looking forward to chatting with a friend and enjoying being out with other racers. I get a lot of inspiration from watching people who run faster than me.

We started out and kept to a leisurely 7 minute pace. I was happy that it wasn't taxing my cardio and that I hadn't started out too fast. I felt like I was on a long run. Then we passed the memorials lining the first kilometre: children, more children, teens, fathers, mothers, grandfathers, uncles told us their DOB and DOD. Messages were written from family members, photos were there to remind us: RUN FOR LIFE yes, indeed. Run for Life.

The race continued on, along part of the course I struggled a little less to run this year for Great White North. The chat picked up and my friends pace slowed a little. She's doing less training than me lately but doesn't have the base. When I noticed we were in the last 4 kilometres I was ready to pick it up. I felt a bit like a caged or leashed animal that wanted to GO! I was running with Esther though so we kept at our 7ish pace. I told her I wanted to run the last K hard. When we got to it I picked up the pace to between 5:00 and 5:30 min/K and I felt good. I need to focus on my leg turnover but when it comes together and I feel strong - yay! I'm happy.... but there are those memorials again, and the runners infront of us are stopping to take pictures infront of their family's sign. I started to choke up again, just wanted to get it done. And I did.

I finished at around 1:12 and was not disappointed in the least to have been slower than my PB of two years ago.

Some PBs are not about your time :)

Things learned

2008-09-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

So if you have a crummy race you need to learn from it.

Things I learned tonight;

1)Being friendly and open is good to a point. I'll talk to strangers, chit chat, whatever... made a bit of a friend at the start line when I *should have* been warming up. She's new to the city, looking for trails, looking for people to run with. Someone nearby when she says she isn't doing the race pipes up "Just join in!" so she looks at me and asks me my pace "uh, 7 minute kilometers... maybe" She decides (first politely asking) she will run with me (myself politely saying sure!).

So back to lesson learned. Be nice, but say "I'm here to run my own race..." or something to that effect.

2) When you go out too hard you can easily suffer. Even (especially?) at the shorter distances. We started out at a nice sub 6 minute pace. This is my "bringing it home pace" I know I'll pay for it later. I keep asking her to go ahead, but she doesn't want to.

KM 1 - under 6 minutes. Yup.... this will hurt.

3) When it starts to fall apart, just smile. Yeah it kinda sucks being the back of the pack, or even DFL but it ain't that bad. Smile, who cares. It's never your last run. Get it done, HTFU if you can.

4) I think I have plantar fasciitis. I think it's partly due to my stopping and starting since finishing GWN and feeling like a rock star. Hey, Jordan, you're not a rock star!! :) Icing at the moment gonna get this sorted out.

My time was around 36 minutes for a pretty hilly trail run. Onwards and upwards from here.

And now....

2008-09-10T10:13:00.001-06:00

So I'm ready to start training. Mentally and physically able. This week was the first week of my family's new schedule.

Mornings we walk Caleb to the bus. Between 9 and 11:30 I want to fit in my training at the Y, lunch for Noah and then off to Kindergarten for him from 12:00 to 3:10, while I work at the office. Pick him up, rush home to get Caleb and then the usual after school homework and dinner prep happens.

I have to say I'm quite impressed with how this schedule is going. The kids seem happy, the times give me a consistency I was lacking before and overall things are becoming balanced. However, something happened Monday, Tuesday and today that I was perplexed with. I didn't train.

Ok, it's early in the scheme of things I told myself at first. Then it was the excuse of 'getting into a routine' next. HOWEVER yesterday I finally figured it out. There is too much clutter. I feel overwhelmed with my home's build up of stuff, papers, things, toys, clothes, etc. Nothing is in place. As soon as I hook up that bike or start hauling out my swim and run stuff we'll spiral further into chaos. I printed off an ebook on 'clearing the clutter'. I am taking this in 60 minute blocks and every step taken energizes me to get going with my training, every battle against how out of control my living space is brings me closer to clearness of MIND!

Tonight I'll be running the 5k trail race and Friday I'm back in the pool. I'm really looking forward to my swims. I'm really looking forward to this year.

A step closer

2008-09-01T19:19:00.000-06:00

Though it may seem like a short time - this has been my dream since 2006. In some ways I didn't even believe I would be able to come up with the money. The entry fee to someone who is a part time stay at home mother and part time employee was overwhelming.

Today I reached out and asked for a bit of help in getting there. I had no idea the response would be so positive. I'm overcome with joy. Thank you so much. I am grateful beyond words.

Work on the run...

2008-08-30T21:12:00.001-06:00

Ok.

20K on Sunday
Sprint Tri on Monday

Sounded like a good idea at the time.

Reminder: Work on the run! (quality and consistency in training perhaps?) :)

Fall air

2008-08-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

There's something familiar in the air. Crisp. Cool. This is a time of new promises. Forget New Years, your birthday or even spring.

I have been off balance all day. Sometimes joyful and sometimes sad but mostly I have let the emotions come and go, passing through me with acknowledgment. I read something that stuck with me today:

Those who profess to favor freedom and yet depreciate agitation are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. Frederick Douglass

I've been coming back to it over and over again at every quiet moment (few and far between). It says something we all know but need to be reminded of. That there is struggle, agitation, violence, depression, failure in the quest for what is good for us, what is peaceful, what is harmonious, even zen. To deny the struggle is irresponsible or even ignorant. To deny the struggle is to deny ourselves the joy.

Today I'd like to just open my heart a little wider. See that you struggle just like me, reach out a hand to cheer you on.

The rain is coming, soon to turn to icy snow. Under my feet I will hear the crunch of ice and from my mouth I will see the white cold air. I will run all winter long. Icicles in my lungs. Uhuh. And the earth will provide us all spring again.

Rejoice.

Put it all together.... what do you get?

2008-08-30T11:33:00.000-06:00

joy, running, the chase

2008-08-29T00:37:00.000-06:00

2008-08-28T10:05:00.000-06:00

Yes, I really want it

2008-08-26T15:41:00.000-06:00

I am signed up.

2009 will be my IMC year.

Realistic

2008-08-13T11:20:00.001-06:00

I don't know how to write about this other than stream of consciousness. How I write most of my blahg anyway.

I have had something stuck in my head since declaring the IM finish quest.

Do I really want it for 2009?

I really enjoyed training for GWN this year. I seemed to find my 'groove' as far as fitting it all in with family. I improved my time over the swim and the bike significantly. I learned how to put it together on race day and enjoy myself while pushing as hard and smart as I could. When I crossed the finish line I knew that if I worked on my run next year I could improve overall again at this distance.

I really like the half IM distance and I want a sub-6 hour next year.

My ultimate goal - the big one - has always been the full ironman distance. So why am I questioning next year as the year to do it? Support.

Most people I know training for these events have huge friend/family support. Maybe I shouldn't say huge but they have it. Maybe I am imagining it. Maybe I'm over-estimating the importance of it. I watched a friend support her husband's training this year from afar - she went out on long his bike days and would make a water stop for him. I've watched my friend Eric do IMC 4 times and each time his family comes out for the weekend to cheer, to chalk, to celebrate.

I can't quite picture this in my life. Not this year, next or even years to come. My family is not very close. I have my mother who would likely come out to IMC if it didn't interfere - which would be great. My husband is not "not" supportive but I'm not sure if I have his understanding on persuing this goal, and without it it's hard for him to get behind me.

Here's where I get stuck. I can't articulate it. And what hangs in the balance is: What am I doing this for? It's not for the chalk and the hugs and the support is it? Because if it's for those reasons then I will be sure to be disappointed. If it's to ask a big test of my body and train dedicated to it and perform my best on race day I cannot be disappointed.

I know one shouldn't do IM for a pat on the back but for internal reasons.

2009 is the year I can dedicate the most time training-wise to this. Though, there will never be ideal conditions; only a certain readiness to commit myself regardless of external factors.

Things I learned today

2008-08-10T19:32:00.000-06:00

Did the Women's Only Triathlon put on by Element.

Good little race and I highly recommend it if you're wanting to get your toes wet in tri, wanting to get back into it, wanting to figure out why you like the sport or just wanting to have a good time.

Rather than go into great detail about the race I'll tell you what I've learned;

- Triathlon isn't that complicated. Being simple is where it's at. No matter how much gear you might accummulate there isn't that much to fuss over on race day.

- Triathlon is won on the run. Doesn't matter how fast you swam or cycled (although it sets you up in an excellent position for the run) this sport is capped by the run and won on the run. I watched the 1st and 2nd place women chase each other on the run course. I also watched the women who had slower bike splits pass ME on the run course.

- Whether it makes us happy or not a lean body is easier to put to the test on race day. You can be fit as hell but that weight is not fun to drag around.

- Probably could have used a bottle of water on the bike course for a sprint. I got caught trying to rehydrate early in the run.

From the above observations I reiterate what I've known already about my focus on the upcoming training season:

1 - work on the run
2 - drop the pounds
3 - keep things simple and in perspective

The perspective thing is hard for me since I want to actually be competitive in this sport.

The nice thing is I'm no longer falling into a rut of not wanting to train. I'm itching to get going actually :)

Oh I wanted to add that it was really cool to see friends and people I know volunteering out on the bike and the run course. So a big thanks to all the volunteers and to Element for putting on such a fun race!

9 years married

2008-08-07T18:30:00.001-06:00

Well John, if you're reading this, happy Anniversary :)

Can't believe it was so long ago! I was having vivid daydreams of a post-IMC renew the vows and vacation in Penticton for our 10 year. Let's see if I can pull that off :)

So I've been training close to _nada_ but for me right now that's ok. I'm concerned about the bit of fitness I'm losing but more so with the weight I might be gaining (not really checking the scale to give myself a break).

I had a good time volunteering at Sylvan. After leaving though I didn't really feel twinges to race it next year. I'm hoping, rather, to improve my Great White North time. Decisions on that will have to be made soon. It will be interesting to see if the new Calgary 70.3 will have any effect on our local race's #'s as they're fairly close. I imagine it will have a larger effect on Sylvan.

I'm very pumped about going to watch IMC this year. I wish my friend Kerry a beautiful and happy finish that she so deserves. Watching her commit herself to hours and hours of hard training has continued to impress me, inspire me and instill a bit of healthy fear into me.

This Sunday I'll be at the Element Women's Only triathlon in Leduc. I don't really have any concrete time goals but I'd like to finish the swim as close to 15 minutes as possible and to push through the pain on the run.

Hopefully in Setember I'll be able to look at a plan for moving forward to next year's goals :)

Good luck, also, to Paul Tichelaar and the rest of the Canadian Team at the Beijing Olympics!

Shelving Sylvan

2008-07-18T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'd rather make this decision today than get to the race and not have my heart in it. I'm tired, sick and not wanting to race next week.

I'll be there to volunteer and cheer my friends :)

Flying

2008-07-15T11:40:00.001-06:00

I'm going to fly to Kelowna. The seat sales are really quite good right now.

Good - now to come up with the registration money :)

injury, $$, desire

2008-07-13T14:02:00.000-06:00

Weird but the above is what's on my mind lately.

Injury.
Yesterday I had to fit in a bike ride and couldn't do it outside because of logistics. I got the bike set up on the trainer and off I went for 3 hours of 'tough love'. 10 minutes into it my bike popped out of the trainer. Had this moment been caught on video it would have won some prize money I'm sure. First the bike flew in the air before careening towards the floor. I couldn't get unclipped mid-air (I knew I should have joined the circus as a child) so I went careening towards the floor also. I banged up my right hip something awful but it's my back, abs and left hip that are hurting today. I'm waiting for John to finish helping his brother move some stuff before I can test out a long run to loosen me up.

Money.
I'm not sure if I can afford to get to Penticton to watch IMC. I'm sorta freaking out about this because I really want to go for it next year. I'm unlikely to qualify at another event, but there's always lottery or community charity spots. I'd rather a sure 'in' than betting on the other options. Also I so badly want to see my friend Kerry cross the finish line. She's worked so hard this year - I don't want to miss it. So my options are drive the van Fri night (gas $$ is the problem here) or book a flight and catch a ride with my friend Eric from Kelowna (I'm thinking this might be the cheaper option). Still the money is supremely tight this month. Ok, I'm just typing to think outloud. Hoping for clarity.

Desire.
Yes, I want to do Iroman. I'm not so sure about Sylvan but I'm hoping I'll feel better about this in the coming weeks. I'm just so happy with my result at GWN (which truly surprised me even though it was my goal) I don't want to have anything to compare it to until next year! But that's ok, and by the way - I plan on working towards a sub 6 hour for 09 GWN. I believe I can do it too.

I'm in bed (probably the worst place to be when your back is hurting) and feel like napping all the time so I also have to consider seeing the doctor this week to get some blood work done because something feels a bit 'off'.

Cheers and happy training to everyone!