Friday, September 19, 2014

I just don't believe anymore

So here, just random

  • I've been doing counselling for the last few months. Intense, dig deep counselling.
  • I have random periods of feeling better with more often periods of feeling worse
  • I don't know what I'm meant for in this life and it makes me sad, I feel like everything I do is half-assed and not enough
  • I guess that feeling is the tape I play in my head that I'm trying to record over with positive
  • But I'm 37 fucking years old
  • and I'm really fucking tired
  • and I really just want someone to look after me (I am weak), but the hard thing is I have to look after myself (I don't know how)
  • I'm 37 years old and I don't know how
  • It sounds so mid-life crisis
  • I've gained weight (which means something is wrong - it's my protection go to)
  • But nothing is really wrong which is frustrating
I don't know. I've been drawing lots. Painting a little.  I came into the game too late. I came into personal awareness, recovery, counselling and starting over in a new relationship too late.  Who's timing is this?  Is this God just showing me how much I fucked my life over by living it un-authentically?  That's not how I understand God.  Or how I want to understand him.

I feel like a let down, a burn out, dusty, a square peg for a round hole.  I smile but behind my smile I am a very sad girl.


A very sad girl.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

for Kathleen

A blanket is not ashes.

A blanket means nothing to me. Crocheted by who? Held by who? you?

No.

A blanket is not ashes.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

point break

It's a familiar place. One I know well. Skimming the surface of sadness to the depths.  I feel I can be two things; sunny and dark. If I am being overly sunny the flip to that is my depression.

I want to be optimistic that these are regular highs and lows but I think I need help.

I so badly want to crawl out of this victim cloak I wear.  I want to unload the baggage somewhere.  Step 5 was a start and now I need to continue moving forward.

-doctor, I need to see a doctor, it's been a long time  *booked it just now
-counselling, I need to do counselling
-counselling for my kids, I need to set that up

I got up this morning to let a woman and her young (maybe 3?) son take a seat on the LRT.  My eyes filled with tears.  I have had my children. I have had my marriage. I have had my youth.  What now?  I feel spent and old and tired.  I feel cracked, damaged and worn thin.  I feel useless and I feel tired.  This smile is not my own.  This smile is just for show.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Who am I?

I feel as though I've been so many people in this lifetime.  So, who am I? - does that sound crazy to you?  I was browsing the bookstore with my oldest son yesterday.  We were near the graphic novel section; a section that normally would not be of any interest to me.  There sat a book that caught my eye.  Marbles by Ellen Forney.  Why it caught my eye - I have no idea, but I opened it up.  There was an illustration that just caught my attention and I started to read.  The book is about the author's discovery/diagnosis of Bi-polar and her journey to wellness (well I have about a third left to read but it appears wellness is on the horizon). Last night I could not stop reading here are some things that I need to chew on and can relate to:

*family history
*periods of lifting/highs
(creativity/excitement/can do anything)
*periods of depression
(withdrawing from the world)

I was just struck by some of the similarities... and of course there was swimming, triathlon, art, expression, randomness... 

What?

Hm.