point break

It's a familiar place. One I know well. Skimming the surface of sadness to the depths.  I feel I can be two things; sunny and dark. If I am being overly sunny the flip to that is my depression.

I want to be optimistic that these are regular highs and lows but I think I need help.

I so badly want to crawl out of this victim cloak I wear.  I want to unload the baggage somewhere.  Step 5 was a start and now I need to continue moving forward.

-doctor, I need to see a doctor, it's been a long time  *booked it just now
-counselling, I need to do counselling
-counselling for my kids, I need to set that up

I got up this morning to let a woman and her young (maybe 3?) son take a seat on the LRT.  My eyes filled with tears.  I have had my children. I have had my marriage. I have had my youth.  What now?  I feel spent and old and tired.  I feel cracked, damaged and worn thin.  I feel useless and I feel tired.  This smile is not my own.  This smile is just for show.