How do I do this

*I wrote to my friend Cheryl. She sent me an amazing email back. Her advice was practical, warm, smart and kind.

*I had lunch with girlfriends. They made me laugh, reflect and feel like I belonged.

*John and I hung out and went to a movie! wow like a normal couple and it was good to re-connect to him.

*I received a note from a friend who is coming to Penticton "anything I can do - let me know".

*I called Cathy and asked her to help me with the iron-math. If I'm REALLY SLOW can I still sorta make it? Yeah, we think so.

*I think back to all the people in my life who have believed in me that I can do this. Who have helped me either financially, with their time, with their kindness, coaching and with their words.

So how is it that I am so lucky and yet always feel alone? I have these connections to people but I've never let anyone right in. I know that sounds incredibly pithy but it's what I feel in this moment and gosh darn-it if I can't try and figure it out in my blog where can I? I can't really afford a shrink with all this Ironman training !!!

There have been moments in my life where all was still and I felt connected to something fully/completely and those moments have been in the deep breath from the bottom of my lungs. The moments don't come from other people but somewhere from inside and I get a rare glimpse of them when I push beyond physical pain. That connection. To what? To that moment where I'm no longer fighting to keep people at arms length, to that moment I can just be _myself_.

I do believe in myself... and I'm waxing the philosophical just to help sort through all the crazy emotions. I'm tapering. I'm questioning. I'm trying to be silent and relaxed but first I need to burst out into song or tears or laughter and then I'll be ok. I'm on the cusp of it. I'm on the edge of something really exciting... and maybe you've been following the journey. What are we gonna do when it's done?

'I'm gonna do my best swan dive
into shark infested waters
I'm gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around'

-ani