finishing

I'm almost done Wayson Choy's, All That Matters. It's brought out a couple themes that I've been rolling over in my mind:

When things are too good to be true

The grandmother is spiritual or superstitious. You take your pick. She's always worried about the gods and how they look upon her fortune, happiness or good things. Never wanting to anger the gods if something good happens she quickly addresses the bad that could happen or dismisses any fortune as unlucky.

I'm thinking about this and how I relate to it. It's not particularly positive and something I would like to change about myself/my thoughts/my patterns. When good things come my way I either: dismiss, briefly engage and then disengage, grab on so tight that I lose myself (the last being a rare thing but I've also come to know that grabbing tight and losing myself in something is also a form of disengaging).

I won't pretend I don't see how hard it is for me to form attachments to positive things in my life. How hard it is for me to stay connected to people or even things (lost my keys, where's the file? forgetting to email or call). Small little scattered bits of myself are everywhere but nowhere at the same time.

Staying focused and present in the moment is a new thing to me. The past year training for ironman and rediscovering the positive within myself have been a lesson. When I race I can be present. When I train I can be present. However other areas of my life are lacking this. Especially connection.

So with this blessing of a new job (and it truly is - I am so lucky to be in this job - I am so lucky to be working with the people I am and surrounded by all this good) how do I not screw it up? How do I not become consumed by it?


I'm not afraid of angering gods, like the Grandmother. I am not superstitious. But I am aware of the pattern and the balance, with the good comes the bad. With the Yin comes the Yang. We'll see how it plays out.


Playing it out... ahh exactly the second thing that's on my mind...

Finishing what I started

I will write that letter, finish my taxes, pick up the phone, file a report, write an essay, clean up the clutter, organize the office, get the pictures developed, send you the information, make a budget, send it to the dry-cleaners, donate, volunteer and do it all...

When?



At my last job just finishing up a report or the database I was working on became extremely difficult. I don't know if it was from the years of feeling worn down in an office that became a bit hostile and unpredictable, or from not experiencing joy in any way from what I was doing (in fact feeling like a bit of a farce when we couldn't even get a client in the door) but I have become deeply rooted in not finishing projects.

So I am 20 pages from the end of the book and feeling like I know where it is going, and although it has been a spectacular book, I am putting it down and having troubles finishing.

And I am sitting here surrounded by a lot of work that could be accomplished but never quite is.

MARCUS AURELIUS:
The universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it.

I have to work on finishing some things. It's good to close the book to open a new one. No?