onward

So my decision, recently taken, was to rollover my Great White North entry. I felt so much pressure to hit my goal of under 6 hours that I was paralyzed. I was so overwhelmed with the new job that I was (am) needing a lot of downtime that didn't involve leaving my home.

I was sleep deprived, stressed, and unmotivated.

I wish I could say that the cloud lifted once I made the decision but it hasn't. In some ways I'm upset with myself for not being able to "do it all" but in other ways I could see myself headed for another crash. I'm trying to learn from the last time I felt this burnout and do things differently.

I am still focused on running and the 50k in less than a month. I would like to do a sprint tri later in the season just for fun.

At work I have learned that people who truly want to achieve sobriety have such a big hill to climb. There is limited transitional housing. There is limited safe and drug free low income housing. Yesterday, Friday, I found out a woman from our program, having just completed residential treatment, would not have a place to sleep for the night (she was approved to move into her housing the next day). She was fine with going to the Women's Shelter downtown. She's lived there and in jail for most of her life. But we weren't ok with it. We called the Y (still not the best for staying drug free) and there were no beds. We called everywhere possible and begged and pleaded. No room. We considered renting a hotel room for her for the night. I had a thought, last chance, to call a men's transitional home we work closely with and beg. Just one night. We got her in.

I drove her there and as we drew nearer she recognized women from the street she knew. Prostitutes having moved to a different area now that the 118th avenue 'revitalization' pushed them out. Once we arrived we met the house manager and I finally got to tour the home that we send so many of our men to. It was quite beautiful, a little haven in the middle of the worse poverty and drug addict filled streets in Edmonton. I gave her my card and asked her to call if she needed anything. I hope she does ok. I'm losing hope.

I came home and have felt a little numb. I feel like this is the point at which I could be swallowed by other people's pain or come up with a plan to keep my head clear in this job.

I want to get my toes painted bright red.

I probably should go out and hammer out a hard run.