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Hi there,

I apologize. It's been so long.  I don't even know what you might know. If you are still reading (reading what?) or interested.  I feel a bit sad that I have neglected this part of me.  At the same time when life is just whirling and whizzing you sometimes don't take the time to reflect.  Or sometimes you sit down and write a draft post and don't hit publish.

Some of my reflections that I haven't published have had to do with the anger surrounding my dad's passing. In some ways it's good that I've not posted what is bothering me, because it's private, but in some ways I am just hanging on to the anger far too much.  So ya, here goes.

See when my dad passed there was a lot of mystery unraveled.  A lot of mystery but not all of the mystery.  A good point to live your life intentionally and in the now because when you're gone do you really want to leave your loved ones with questions?  I suppose some do.  But then that makes me ask - was I really your loved one?

My dad left no mention of my brother or I in his Will.  He left everything to his new wife and, in the event of her predeceasing him to her Nieces.  My dad left not even a whisper of "leave Jordan my art supplies" or "leave Graham my computer books"... just, as though, we never existed.

This pain was immensely increased with his wife agreeing (later not agreeing) to separate 1/2 of my father's ashes (he left no instructions on cremation or burial so she decided he would be cremated) so that my brother and I could do some type of memorial for him.  I had a dream that I would return to my dad's place of origin (southern alberta) and scatter ashes or even buy a plaque.  This was taken from me, my one wish, by her choice to take the ashes from the funeral home (although divided in two) and tell me she could not part with him and was sleeping with his ashes.

Eventually I was able to see a copy of his Will, eventually I got a letter from his wife saying that my dad had a gambling problem, that everything they owned was rightfully hers and that's why we weren't factored in.

For all the judgmental people - look I didn't expect to see a cent from my Dad.  Really the cold hard truth about my dad points in all directions that he was absolutely INCAPABLE of a relationship with me and that's what I wanted more than anything.  My dad's cancer diagnosis came shortly after he left for the maritimes to live out his dream life without even a whisper or notification to myself of my brother.  I found out through an accidental email not meant for me.

I guess I wanted to matter.

That's my truth.  I wanted to matter and I wanted to be important to my father.

The truth is I was not.

The truth is this has left a hole in my heart for way too long. This has scarred me and left me unable to trust anyone who is kind to me.  Instead I've sought out relationships that were toxic and pushed away those that were good.

So in my own recovery I am just sick of owning all my dad's shit. I'm sick of being defined by my past.  I want to be informed but I want to move on.  You know?

I'm in a good relationship now but I have no idea -NONE- how to make it work because why? because it's GOOD.

I'm at this point now where I can start to see I am worth something good.