- I've been doing counselling for the last few months. Intense, dig deep counselling.
- I have random periods of feeling better with more often periods of feeling worse
- I don't know what I'm meant for in this life and it makes me sad, I feel like everything I do is half-assed and not enough
- I guess that feeling is the tape I play in my head that I'm trying to record over with positive
- But I'm 37 fucking years old
- and I'm really fucking tired
- and I really just want someone to look after me (I am weak), but the hard thing is I have to look after myself (I don't know how)
- I'm 37 years old and I don't know how
- It sounds so mid-life crisis
- I've gained weight (which means something is wrong - it's my protection go to)
- But nothing is really wrong which is frustrating
I don't know. I've been drawing lots. Painting a little. I came into the game too late. I came into personal awareness, recovery, counselling and starting over in a new relationship too late. Who's timing is this? Is this God just showing me how much I fucked my life over by living it un-authentically? That's not how I understand God. Or how I want to understand him.
I feel like a let down, a burn out, dusty, a square peg for a round hole. I smile but behind my smile I am a very sad girl.
A very sad girl.
1 comment:
Difficult to read, more difficult to reply.
I know the stereotypical answer, but “count your blessings” only goes so far. It’s like counting them on a grade school number line - the whole numbers are the happy times but there are still all those fractional gaps between them that remain unfilled.
I try to never write drawn out discourses in replies/comments. I wish there was life wisdom I could share, but it is a nut I’ve yet to crack. Know this – you’re far from the “it’s too late to…” point for things worth having or doing, but they don’t come easy and the road is rarely smooth and straight. But you – at least the Jordan I’ve known and still recognize in your writing – have a step up on getting there with your intelligence, awareness and compassion for others. Set the course, throw away the rear view mirror and go.
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