Just prior to the headshave I felt very alone and sad. I didn't have much time or space to reflect or share these emotions. I suppose the people who rode in the car with me on the way sensed it. I know John saw me crying here and there.
When I saw that the children were only going half (except one brave little girl shaved off half her head that day - the rest later in the week) and the grownups were getting cut or clipped panic set in. I really was alone or on the outside and back to that awkward and oddball girl. I couldn't muster much for jokes, my primary defence strategy.
I had to be pretty firm in my reasons for doing this... and it has helped since coming back. I get strange looks so I tell people right off. My hair is shaved yeah, I raised money for cancer. The reaction usually lightens and they'll say I'm brave. Maybe I'm brave, but I still had a choice. Others don't. I got a note from a girl I knew in highschool who upon seeing my pictures on facebook (that dastardly beast that does not allow you any control over what gets posted) thanked me and sent a picture of her and her family going bald in support of her sister. I asked her how she felt after the shave and she said it was great when she was in a group (her family) who all knew the reasons why but the self-consciousness came about when she went home to calgary.
So I remind myself why I did it. I remind myself that it is GOOD to detach from your self-image. I remind myself that this is temporary too and I draw my imagined self at IM this year:
I need to let go of my fear of other people's reactions. I need to let go of needing to belong. I need to let go, let go, let go....
4 comments:
We all need to let go, so please don't be so hard on yourself. Each one of us has things to work on.
You are a beautiful, strong, passionate woman, and if people can't deal with the fact you shaved off your head for a VERY good reason...I have two words in mind. I bet you can imagine...and, NO, they aren't nice. ;)
Our society is filled with noise about how we are supposed to look, how we are supposed to act, etc, etc, etc. It's unhealthy and unreal.
You are very wise, Jordan, and you know it is noise. I believe that it hurts because you don't judge others, and it's hard to understand why other people do.
I think your hair looks great! You didn't half ass it out of "fear". You went all the way. Not only does that demonstrate incredible character, it also shows off how HOT you are, even with 'uber' short hair!
Don't forget that. And if you do...I'll happily remind you!
:)
wow. That was excatly what I needed to read right now. And Naomi is right. Our society is filled with so much noise. We just need to listen to our on mind, body and soul.
Cheers to you for rising above!
Thanks to you both. I'm getting a little perspective and this is a huge lesson to me. A wallop really!
I appreciate your support immensely :)
I'm in awe of the strength you showed, and although it pales in comparison to a person going bald from chemo, it's one of the greatest stands a person can take, one I myself am not brave enough to do. I am, however, cutting off my ponytail for wigs. I'm trying to muster up the courage for that still - and I can promise I'll be thinking of you when I do it. Beauty isn't something you grow or wear - it's something you exude, and by you, I mean YOU.
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