The blue jacket

I bought this when I worked at Alberta Law Line. I enjoyed my job. My life was pretty happy. Kids were in a fantastic dayhome. John and I got along. I'd progressed through my running to a couple half marathons. I was about to do a Half Ironman and it was 2006.

I have no idea what I weighed then. Just that I could go into any store and buy things off the shelf to wear. My weight has fluctuated but I have not paid much attention to numbers. Just how things fit and usually the number on the tag. I was certainly into size 10 or 12 by Grade 9 Grad. When I look back at those pictures I was not fat. I was not overweight. I was pretty normal actually.

What's normal. Why do I say normal?

Because at that age I wouldn't have considered myself normal. I was convinced I was fat. I went on slim fast. I swam and sometimes ran to be thinner but I mostly deprived and then binged. Is that normal teenage behaviour? I don't know.

There have been moments of complete happiness in my body. Sadly they usually have come from external sources. Thus to balance it out the external sources were there influencing the hate towards my body.

I recognize that I continue to evaluate myself through the lense of others, through the fit of clothes, through the standards of today but I am moving away from it.. You may think - what's all this crazy P90X business then? The diet? The exercise? The interesting thing is the diet has somewhat regulated my thoughts with respect to food. Being fairly regimented and eating frequently keeps me satisfied and fills a need for control. But I have allowed myself guilty pleasures. In moderation. Things like a burger out with the family, a latte, a taste of dark chocolate. I remind myself to enjoy the 'guilty' pleasures and to not guilt myself over them. Every moment is made up of choices and being defined by one choice won't help me to make the next. I must remind you I have a dream, and a goal to do my best at the half ironman distance and that is worth more than a number on a scale or guilt over a latte.

What on earth should this have to do with a blue jacket. Well, shortly after I bought it (one lunchtime shopping trip downtown) my life turned upside down. Or shall I say I turned my life upside down. Most of it I cannot write about or talk about but I practically disappeared off the radar. I sunk into deep holes of despair and frankly - put on a lot of weight. Occasionally I would resurface to care for myself (or so I thought). At one point I was trying to detox and went on raw food for months. At other points I would not eat except coffee all day and beer at night. There was no control, only desperation, there was no clarity but a lot of confusion.

And soon enough the clothes weren't fitting. One of the first to bite the dust was this blue jacket. My arms gain weight first. They wouldn't fit in the sleeves. I loved the jacket so I put it away. Regardless of all the purges I've done to my closet this one article of clothing has remained from the "before the madness" days.

And here I am wearing it. Having decided to try it on today for some strange reason and it went over my shoulders and arms with ease, with room. I felt a mix of joy and sadness and fear.

This is a journey and I've been in this jacket before. This time though, I can choose a better path in life. This time (having gone through the mud) I put my head up and say I am not going to be defined by my past but I will make choices that align with my inner path, that align with my core, that align with the light that is inside me.

And I will.