Gratitude and what I mean by sucker punch

This post kind of speaks to what has happened. My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer, maybe in his liver too. This news has devastated me. It brought me to my knees. I don't know what it is about life that just keeps kicking, kicking, kicking and saying stop taking me for granted... but it does. I can't imagine what my dad is feeling. I try to, but the thinking hurts. So I just pray and meditate a lot. I just don't want to feel, but I am forced to.

So I stopped in at the tri shop today. I bought a pink (?) swimsuit, pink (?) swimcap and some crazy coloured goggles. Friday morning I *WILL* be in the pool. I also got in touch with the race director of Great White North via the tri shop and requested to hold an entry for me. They agreed to. I know it's more than a little ridiculous to go back from couch to 1/2 IM but I want this. So what, I really couldn't care what my time is. This is just a chance to do some moderate (not crazy) training and fit it into life and SEE just SEE if I can do it.

Anyway, I don't know how to explain how I am feeling. I am a bit sad, but I have to take care of myself... I know this.

I found this picture on facebook... the guy speaking into the microphone was a client of mine. He tried, and succeeded for quite a while but heartache took him back to old coping ways. He taught me a lot. This picture makes me remember good times, it also makes me think how fragile we are even if on the surface we seem to have our shit together.

I'm proud of this person in the picture, even though he screwed up. I guess that's my point. Forgiveness. I guess I need to forgive myself in order to move on. I need to let go of whatever fears I have of moving forward back into health and just enjoy movement again. Without it - how will I cope?